Three hundred million are in the United States and sometimes it feels like they are all here on the North Fork’s Main Road from Riverhead to Orient.

There are now more than 300,000,000 people in the United States according to the Census Bureau. A baby is born every 11 seconds in this country and by the time you finish reading this, there’ll be – you figure it out.

Follow the math. It’s just arithmetic, really. If there are ten towns on the North Fork, then each town would hold/host 7,500,000 cars – or 30,000,000 people, give or take a few newborns, should all three hundred million show up for a day.

All these cars, all these people, might be rough going for tiny Orient, even though they’ve plenty of experience with ferry traffic. But for near-metropolis Mattituck, it would be a breeze. Thirty million people? No problem.

With luck, your 30,000,000 people-drive through Mattituck will be speedy – perhaps only five hours. Mattituck is certainly equipped to make those hours pleasant. There are dozens of diversions as you idle along Main Road.

Eating is a diversion, of course, and Mattituck McDonald’s manager, Carrie Kratz, says they’re ready to feed the crowds. They sell hundreds of burgers each day as it is. And who keeps track of the coffee – and the refills? No, you won’t go hungry in Mattituck. For dessert? Ice cream at Magic Fountain. They’ve 33 flavors and they’ll scoop out just as long as there’s a crowd waiting. Thirty million is a crowd.

But we don’t want Grandma and Gramps waiting on that long line. They can head to the Human Resource Center (fondly known as the Senior Center) on Pacific Street, just off Main Road. Eat lunch there, play some bingo, whatever. The five-hour stopover will go quickly.

You’re not hungry? Check out one of the movies at the Mattituck Cinema on Main Road. They have eight theaters, so you’ll find a film you haven’t seen. When you leave the theater, traffic may be moving. All we need is Bing and Bob to have our very own road show.

Is all this stress giving you a headache? Go to Barker’s Pharmacy on Love Lane for some aspirin. Or go to one of two chain pharmacies on Main Road. While you’re there, get some disposable diapers. For one of those kids born 11 seconds ago.

All well and good. Five hours on Mattituck’s Main Road may be survivable but what happens if there’s an incident requiring a longer stay, perhaps overnight? It’s hard to leave the light on for 30,000,000 people. Mattituck does have a motel or two and several B&Bs. But not enough, even if folks slept four to a bed and only in 30-minute shifts. It’s inevitable. Thirty million people will be snoring away in cars jamming midnight Mattituck.

In the morning they’ll emerge, clothes disheveled, dispositions cranky. Since it’s Sunday, some may head for Mattituck churches. Ministers will beam, believing upwards of 30,000,000 people attending services must be a miracle of some sort.

Those millions who choose the less righteous path may head to the Mattituck Main Road Laundry to spruce up a bit. This laundry has 31 washing machines and 40 dryers (why the discrepancy I don’t know). It doesn’t matter. You’ll have to share the washing machine with a stranger anyway.

From the inventory of goods and services available in Mattituck, I’m sure you see why I’m confident the town can accommodate 300,000,000 people. Even more. Quite possibly little Orient could sent its overflow back to Mattituck. Although Orient has the Candyman and which one of the 30,000,000 would want to leave that sweet spot?

Well, it will all work out. No matter what the Census Bureau sends our way, the North Fork can handle it.