Dan's Papers - October 30, 2009 - The Hampton Subway Newsletter

A change in the subway system evacuation signal went into effect last Friday. Instead of one hoot of the horn for "evacuate" and two for "all clear," it was reversed so that two hoots meant "evacuate" and one meant "all clear." Unfortunately, a bat roosting on the tracks between Southampton and Water Mill elicited one hoot from Motorman Clyde Damswell on the day this went into effect. Everyone in the system evacuated-except the bat. With two hoots, the passengers all returned and the bat evacuated. As a result of this mix-up, this Friday, the rules will be changed back to the way they were before. Three hoots means "evacuate," four hoots means "all clear." All this is by order of the Homeland Security Department.

Last week, Kim Jong-il of North Korea toured the subway. This Saturday, we welcomed more Asians. A delegation of Japanese diplomats, led by Japanese assistant ambassador to the U.N. Myota Hasagowa, were hosted by Hampton Subway PR Director Harold Beckerman on a special junket for a day of beach, sun and fun. After leaving Manhattan at 7 a.m. by bus, the delegation was met by Beckerman at the entrance to our most western subway stop in Westhampton Beach at 9 a.m., where they were immediately taken down to the platform for a breakfast buffet that was set up behind a curtain at the most eastern end so regular straphangers wouldn't get at it. There, Dr. Bart Waldbaum, an assistant professor of American History at Suffolk Community College, gave them a 30-minute slideshow history lesson about the subway. Waldbaum then brought them to the life-size bronze statue of President Bush and President Putin, who met on that platform in October 2007 to discuss international relations, holding hands. The group then climbed aboard a subway car and toured each of our 14 other subway platforms, with Waldbaum explaining the platforms' architectural differences and individuality. At each, the visitors took pictures of the station names embedded in multi-colored wall tiles, the newsstand and the token booths, although flash photography was not permitted because it might've upset the regular straphangers. At 6 p.m., having visited all the platforms, the tired tourists, still underground, returned to Westhampton Beach and boarded the waiting buses for the trip back to New York City. A good time was had by all.

The subway system continues to experience problems in our attempt to dig a tunnel from Sag Harbor to Foxwoods. The first attempt resulted in the discovery of oil under Long Island Sound, a find that proved disastrous to the subway crews digging the tunnel when oil flooded their work.

The second attempt was to be a great semi-circle around the oil. Out of Sag Harbor, the tunnel turned due west at Long Island Sound and ran just offshore underwater to Port Jefferson, where it turned north and headed for Bridgeport, Connecticut. The intention was to turn east once it neared that city and run parallel to the Connecticut shore and around the oil as it headed to Foxwoods.

By last week, the tunnel was supposed to reach Bridgeport and begin the second 90-degree turn. But when that right turn was dug with the heavy equipment, the new tunnel broke into the tunnel that was already dug. Apparently, the turn was much greater than just 90 degrees. It had made a complete loop. Since the tracks now link up with the tracks coming the other way, all construction has halted until the workmen find out what they are supposed to do besides go back to Port Jefferson.

A few days ago, I began receiving reports that one of the subway cars displayed above its windows advertisements for hemorrhoids, debt consolidation, pawn shops, loans, antacids, legal services and pregnancy options. Puzzled, I looked into it and found that our new public relations manager Beckerman, without any orders from above, recreated a "nostalgia" car, in which straphangers can enjoy what the subways were like back in the 1970s. This car is filthy, littered with candy wrappers, covered with graffiti and has these very offensive ads over the windows.

Beckerman has been fired after just four days into his new job. We've had many public relations and marketing men on the subway in the last few years. This is the fewest number of days that any PR man has worked for the subway system, since Carl Murgetroid's disastrous work in April 2007.