Dan's Papers - October 30, 2009 - Romantic Comedy Movie Script, Invented on the Spot by Two Birds

We were sitting in the park, eating sandwiches at lunchtime. Pigeons were strutting and fluttering about, mostly looking for bits of bread or crumbs in the grass. One pigeon, however, was interested in something else. He was clearly focusing his attention on one particular pigeon near him, who was slightly smaller. And he was letting her-I guessed it was female-know it.

He bobbed his head. He fluffed up his feathers on his neck and began making these odd guttural noises. He also responded to her in a certain way. She'd turn her head to look one way. He'd strut over in that direction. She'd turn her head the other way. He'd strut that way.

Shortly thereafter, he added another aspect to his behavior: menace.

It was quite subtle. When she'd walk a bit, looking down into the grass for stuff, he'd strut toward her. She'd look up. He'd stop immediately, then hunker down as if he was nesting. But he continued the feather fluffing and guttural sounds. Then she'd look away, and he'd get up.

"It doesn't seem to be a secret what he wants," my wife said.

Now he was integrating these behaviors. She'd look one way and he'd strut that way. She'd look down and he'd head toward her. She'd walk away slowly and he'd make a big circle around her to get back into her sightline. She'd stop, then go somewhere else. He'd circle her again.

This went on for quite some time and amidst many other busy pigeons. It was clear to everybody, including us bystanders, the other pigeons and the lady herself, that he was doing this for her.

Soon the dynamic changed once again. She began to exhibit very dignified yet very aloof behavior. She completely ignored him. At the same time, she held herself tall. There was a self-awareness in this. It had not been there before. She continued to do what she did before, but with grace and style. If he wanted to look, well, so be it. He could have a look. But he couldn't touch.

And then something very unexpected happened. It was like right out of a movie. He just gave up. He stopped paying attention to her altogether. He found a crumb on the pavement. He went over and ate it. He looked for another crumb, found one and ate that. He walked completely away. If she wasn't interested, what could he do? He couldn't go on with this forever.

I know that pigeons do not have the ability to change their facial expressions, but I swear, in every other way imaginable, this girl expressed alarm. Where did he go? Has he changed his mind? Was it something I did? Or didn't do?

She quickly walked over to him. He walked away. She came up alongside him and looked at him. Nothing. He didn't even know she was there. In fact, he walked away again. It was over.

But it wasn't, of course. She followed him. She tried the standing-up-tall business. He didn't respond. She tried walking gracefully. She did her right-in-front-of-him thing again. No dice.

I'd say, at this point, we had been watching this little drama for about five or six minutes. They were apparently in no hurry. They did have, after all, all day.

Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. He was just standing there, looking at something, and she walked up from behind him until their bodies were side by side. His a little bigger, hers a little smaller. She leaned into him. THAT, he understood. He let her do that for a while.

Soon, however, this matter proceeded to the next phase. I don't recall who started it, but at first it appeared to be alarming, or potentially alarming. First, one of them would peck the other in the head and around the eyes. Then the other would return the favor. Each would close their eyes when the pecking got near there. For the top of the head, they'd lean down a bit. A bond of trust seemed to form from this. Soon the pecking began to also include around the neck. The pecks would go down to the neck then back up to the eyes and the top of the head. It sure looked good to me.

"I think they are cleaning each other," my wife said. "You think?"

This went on for another three or four minutes. Given the quick, darting movements that pigeons make, this was real serious foreplay going on, although it never did get below the neck. I admired it. Finally, it was on to the next phase.

You could not make this stuff up. They turned to face each other, opened their hooked beaks, turned their heads 45 degrees, stepped in close and locked their beaks together. They wiggled around like this with their beaks locked, then they unlocked them and repeated. Soon it progressed further. One would stick his or her closed beak down into the mouth of the other and give it a little shake.

This was so strange. But then with beaks instead of lips, maybe it wasn't. But what was it? Were they feeding each other little mites they had found under their feathers? Were they French kissing? Were they expanding on the trust they had established earlier while pecking one another? Were they doing all three?

Finally, it happened. They disengaged. He walked around her, made a guttural noise and jumped her. He got right up on her back for just a second, maybe two. And then he got off.

While he was up there, though, he did something under her wing feathers. Something happened, but it was too fast to see. He was like a magician. Then he hopped off.

"That was it?" I said.

"Sort of a disappointment, no? After all that?"

What happened next? He fell asleep, tucking his head under his wing? She fretted? Stomped off? Not at all. They continued on with some of the earlier behavior. They leaned against one another. They turned and gently pecked each other in the head again. Then, well, I don't exactly know what happened after that. My sandwich wrapper fell to the ground, a big flock of pigeons came in and landed all over everything and I lost track of them.

In conclusion, I would like to offer this small news item I just read in the New York Post.

"PEPSI SCRAPS PICKUP APP

PepsiCo has removed its iPhone application that promised to help men 'score' with different types of women, about a week after it was criticized for stereotyping.

The soft-drink and snack maker announced its decision yesterday. The application, called 'Amp up before you score'-used to promote its Amp energy drink-was unavailable for download on iTunes and removed from the brand's site.

The application gave users pickup lines to woo two-dozen stereotypes of women and a scoreboard to tally their conquests.

PepsiCo apologized on its Amp Twitter page, saying the application tried to show the 'humorous lengths guys go 2 pick up women.'"