Dan's Papers - October 30, 2009

Everybody loves Pumpkintown. It shows up on a 40-acre piece of farmland in Water Mill every September and is here for six weeks. All the kids and parents love it because of its slides to go on, hay bales to jump on, castles to climb on, school buses and backhoes to drive in, corn mazes to get through, pumpkins to pick up, pirate ships to walk on, pony rides to take, jams, jellies, corn and pumpkins to buy, and even Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs to meet. Pumpkintown sticks around until the first week in November, then it shuts up shop and goes away.

Of course, Pumpkintown could be in violation of a few local laws. Authorities are investigating. The castle may be in violation of town height limits and pyramid laws. Plans for it were apparently never submitted to the Architectural Review Board. Women's rights may also be violated if, for example, a princess is held in the castle against her will. There is also the matter of the plumbing. There is no running water in the castle.

Near the castle is a wooden dump truck that has never been properly registered or inspected. Where the motor is supposed to be there is none, so there may be a criminal matter involving a stolen motor, or maybe the investigation will lead to some sort of chop shop. People sit in the truck but it doesn't go anywhere, which may be in violation of traffic obstruction laws, especially as they pertain to emergency vehicles. There are no blinkers, windshield wipers, brakes or even a horn. The truck lacks any parking stickers. It could be parked illegally. We just don't know.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are on the property, but they're two-dimensional on poster board attached to sticks. Has Snow White been run over? Have the Dwarfs? Is there a steamroller hidden somewhere? There does not appear to be any permit for harboring dwarfs at Pumpkintown.

Police say that cheers and screams of joy by children seem to be in violation of noise ordinances. It is questionable whether all the running around on the property is legal, and whether insurance papers have been filed properly.

And who takes the garbage out?

The pirate ship, a sea-faring vessel, has somehow been brought to the site and set on dry land. The Coast Guard says there is no registration sticker on the boat. Also, there is no parking permit or any other permit that would allow any vessel, particularly a pirate ship, to be on land. There also seem to be no life jackets, life rings or flares on the boat.

The hay bales are suspect. Have they been sprayed with non-toxic-yet-toxic chemicals to rid themselves of ladybugs and spiders and things? Apparently not.

And where are Pumpkintown's schools? There's this school bus. But it never goes anywhere.

As far as the Town of Southampton is concerned, Pumpkintown is in violation of all sorts of local laws. It has no sidewalks or public roads, which are required of all public complexes in town. Pumpkintown lacks a police department. It has no legal documents that show that it is incorporated. And it has no documents that show that it is not incorporated. It is in great violation of town assembly laws. Every day more than 500 people come to Pumpkintown, yet it has never applied for a permit for public assembly. It is highly unlikely that one would have been granted for this number of people. It also has no sewer system or drainage system.

Pumpkintown seems to lack even the most rudimentary of governments. There is no chief of police, no mayor and no village board. If meetings are held, there is no record of them. The town is in complete violation of the Sunshine Laws and the First Amendment Laws, which require freedom of information and minutes to be taken at every public meeting.

One of the more serious lapses at Pumpkintown is in their complete disregard of federal child labor laws. Children as young as three years old are out there in the fields, picking the pumpkins and carrying them to the designated areas. One can actually see them doing this from the road.

As for the grown-up workers, federal authorities have yet to see any withholding tax being taken out of their pay. There are no quarterly filings or other accounting measures at Pumpkintown.

There are no ramps for the handicapped at Pumpkintown, no handrails or bathrooms or even changing facilities for babies. Board of Health members are scratching their heads and wondering how such a town could have sprung up without the proper facilities and approvals.

As seen from the road, Pumpkintown is in serious violation of Southampton's appropriate attire ordinances. People dress however they want. Women at Pumpkintown have been seen wearing skimpy skirts, and hairy men have been seen wearing undershirts. God knows when they may have last bathed.

At night, Pumpkintown seems to be very badly lit. Instead of streetlights, Pumpkintown relies on car headlights-a very chancy business.

Zoning is non-existent at Pumpkintown, and it seems that no civil planning was done. There's no policeman, fireman or other emergency official at Pumpkintown. There's no Pumpkintown Transportation Authority or marine museum. There are no trustees, courts or dog ordinance control officers.

But there are apparently witches at Pumpkintown. What is that all about?

There is also some question about whether Pumpkintown meets the code for its farm stand. The stand and little shack-which does not have a certificate of occupancy, we are told-are allowed to exist only insofar that more than 70% of the merchandise sold at the stand is actually grown on the property.

Ordinance inspectors walking the property say that many of the pumpkins, which are seen lying about in the field rather than attached to any pumpkin plant stalk or anything, bear markings that suggest they are grown in southern New Jersey and trucked in. If this is true, Pumpkintown should have import-export licenses, but a search of the records showed none.

Then there is the traffic. Pumpkintown is so popular that traffic on Route 27, which passes right by Pumpkintown, slows to a crawl there because no thought has been given to traffic lights or passing lanes or other traffic patterns.

Perhaps the biggest issue is the fact that Pumpkintown just seems to appear out of nowhere in September and disappear in November. What kind of town is that? Is there something that Pumpkintown is hiding? Do they leave with the same number of people they arrive with?

A whole heap of violations will be served upon the mayor of Pumpkintown if he can be found, but so far, he hasn't been. Also, it is proving difficult to find anyone who will give Pumpkintown a ticket.

That's because everybody loves Pumpkintown. It shows up on a 40-acre piece of farmland in Water Mill every September and is here for six weeks. All the kids and parents love it because of its slides to go on, hay bales to jump on, castles to climb on, school buses and backhoes to drive in, corn mazes to get through, pumpkins to pick up, pirate ships to walk on, pony rides to take, jams, jellies, corn and pumpkins to buy, and even Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs to meet.

Who could possibly want to serve a summons to Pumpkintown? Or Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? Nobody, that's who.