The Sheltered Islander

By Sally Flynn

I campaigned and voted for Eliot Spitzer because I believed he was listening to the citizens of New York. Now, he proposed to give driver's licenses to people who are here illegally and creating (from CNN.com) an "enhanced drivers license [for citizens] that will be as secure as a passport and can be used for voter ID. It would be voluntary and available for a small extra fee." Spitzer is giving illegal aliens drivers licenses despite polls running 87% against it from New Yorkers. He is completely ignoring the voters he represents and is catering to a group he does not represent, can't tax, can't make accountable for anything. He has completely restored my belief that there isn't a decent politician in this country.

As long as Spitzer is going to make regular citizens pay extra for an "enhanced" license that can still be used for voter ID purposes, I thought...Shelter Island is always looking for revenue generating ideas....we have our own vanity license plates, maybe we can charge for an "enhanced, enhanced license" to drive on Shelter Island! I even thought of a test.

The Shelter Island Written Driving Test

In addition to all the standard Drivers Test questions, you must answer these.

1) Spell the name of the preserve that covers one third of the Island.

2) Translate the following: 1bdrm/1 bthrm apt. $900/mo OS, $6000/mo MD-LD. No pts, no smkg, no chldrn. No util; No plyng ld msc; no prtys; no sx on frnt lwn.

3) How many pecks in a bushel? How many clams can you get without a permit?

4) If you own a truck, how many people per month do you have to help move something?

5) How many bottles of water and how much food is recommended to take with you if you're going to be in the North Ferry line on a Friday during the summer?

6) What is the minimum amount of nice, reusable items you have to have left at the dump in order to live here year round?

7) On a map of SI, can you point out where the unmarked road is to Shell Beach?

8) Are you prepared to commit to having a magnetic map of SI on the back of your car or an SI Vanity plate? (You have to have one or the other, or no license for you!)

9) Are you prepared to help defend Shelter Island against an invasion from Ram Island in the event that global warming raises the water on their side first?

10) Are you prepared to beat the residents of Greenport or Sag Harbor with beach chairs, or whatever you can grab, in the event they try to build a bridge here?

11) Name three big Island families and at least 36 ways they are interrelated.

12) If you own a boat, how many times per month can you use it for your own selfish pleasure without inviting anyone else along? (Just remember, making payments on the boat, renting the dock space, buying all the deck equipment, does not necessarily make it "your" boat.)

13) If you're traveling north from the South Ferry at 32 m.p.h., and your friend is traveling south from the North Ferry at 27 m.p.h., what will the weather be in China next Tuesday?

14) Name the local Island girl who is on the US Olympic Sailing Team.

15) What are her parent's names?

16) What is her dog's name? (Dogs are people, too, on Shelter Island).

17) In the event of any reason we all have to gather at the school overnight, what are the most important things to bring? (Blankets, beer and cigarettes are a given, what else is important?)

18) When driving by the library and witnessing a really annoying child tied to the tree in front of the library do you.

a) Report the parent for child abuse.

b) Point out the child to your children and say, "See what happens?"

c) Go up the the child and study the knot that is holding him so well.

Thank you for taking the Shelter Island Driving Test. Please remit a fee of $55 to Shelter Island in care of the Sally Flynn Jewelry Fund. Thank you.

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