Dan's Papers - October 19, 2007 -

Peanuts, popcorn, pork grinds and pretzels are all essential bar foods for those courageous enough to brave the germ infested troughs of your favorite watering holes. However, like the OCD germ-a-phobe Ben Stiller plays in Along Came Polly proclaimed, "On average, only one out of every six people wash their hands when they go to the bathroom." Those of you unphased by the possibility of contracting Hepatitis C from a batch of urine stained honey mustard pretzels that've been sitting at your favorite bar for God knows how long, bless you, for it is you who are the true adventurers, unafraid to endure the barf filled trenches of food poisoning in order to satisfy your hunger while downing another L.I. Tea.

But maybe, just maybe, contracting an ill-fated stomach bug and spending sleepless nights doing the Technicolor yawn on the cold tile floor of your bathroom isn't your thing. Lucky for you the East End has a host of made-to-order bar room grub to satisfy your rumbling tummy.

For an unusual, yet utterly delightful bar snack head to the Meeting House in Amagansett for a hard boiled egg. That's right, hard boiled eggs. Personally, I've never woken up craving hard boiled eggs and a whiskey sour, but somehow at the Meeting House, that's always the case. While a bit odd and vegan unfriendly, the hard boiled egg is a satisfying snack which arrests your hunger without leaving you bloated and unable to throw down a few more malt beverages. After all, bar foods are for snacking, not filling your belly. That's what the booze is for.

Another local favorite comes from Nick & Toni's in East Hampton, where zucchini fries have satisfied local beer guzzlers for years. The restaurant uses fresh zucchini from their garden to create their signature appetizer, which are dipped in flower and deep fried in canola oil, a 1-2 punch that will never go out of style.

While bar foods are meant to be snacks, for poor college students and starving artists they can easily become breakfast, lunch and dinner. A few years ago I flew to Seattle from New Orleans to meet my friend Charles who had been living and working in Juneau, Alaska as a white water raft guide. I'd spent my lazy summer in the Bayou studying Cinema, existential philosophy and the ass-backwards history of Louisiana. By the time August rolled around I had approximately $75 to my name. Charles wasn't doing much better. He'd been living in a double-wide in Juneau, one of the most expensive cities in the country, with 6 other guides and sleeping on an egg crate. Besides returning home, the purpose of our trip was to explore the great mountains and rivers of the West and make pilgrimages to a few of our favorite breweries. Six days in we found ourselves in Jackson Hole, Wyoming with a combined $12 dollars, which didn't fare well as we were still 2,000 miles from home. Starving and sick of living off PB&J, we took a gamble and spent our last greenbacks at happy hour at the Snake River Brewery, where we paid $8 for two pitchers of Cask Conditioned Ale and $4 for "Nachos for One." Thank God the name was deceiving, as the heaping pile of chips, salsa, beef, cheese, fresh cut tomatoes, cilantro and onions left us both feeling woozy and even managed to cure our collective belly ache. Maybe it was the altitude, or perhaps the Hoback Hefeweizen, but the "Nachos for One" will forever be ingrained in my memory as one of, if not the, best meal I've ever eaten. Sometimes it's the simple things that make lasting impressions.

Okay class, let's review what we learned today, shall we. First off, eating stale peanuts handled by countless urine soaked hands may not be good for your health. Second, the East End has plenty of appetizing grub for your next mid-afternoon brew pit stop. And last but not least, if you find yourself pulling change from your pocket, don't despair, just fill yourself up on some zucchini fries and be thankful that you're in the Hamptons and not the Sudan.