Dan's Papers -October 9, 2009

Two alarming issues came across my desk last week. Thankfully, there are solutions - or at least actions to take - to deal with both.

First, there is a product that's so dangerous it was banned recently from prisons in England. Strangely, this same substance is found throughout childcare centers and schools across the United States.

The product is hand sanitizer.

I was sent a story about a four-year-old girl who, instead of rubbing the sanitizer on her hands, licked it off instead. The girl literally fell off her chair and couldn't focus her eyes. She was rushed to the ER, where a battery of tests was administered with no conclusive results. After the teacher arrived and relayed what had happened, another test was given that showed the child had a very high blood alcohol level.

The alcohol content of hand sanitizer is 60% - compared to 40% for hard liquor. No wonder it became so popular at the British prison, where inmates reportedly mixed it with fruit juice and sugar. For small children, just a few licks can lead to alcohol poisoning, coma and even death. So, check with your schools to find out what's on tap, and talk to your kids about proper usage of hand sanitizer. There are also brands available that are alcohol-free - a better idea all around.

The second issue is a bit more complicated. It is a dire issue that is growing in scope across the state and the country within the foster care system.

Children - from babies to teenagers - usually end up in foster care because the birth families are unable to care for them. The issue is rarely money; most often, the birth parent is psychologically or emotionally unable to cope with the rigors of parenting. The children are removed from the situation - first for the short-term, and possibly for the long-term. Eventually, many of those children are "cleared for adoption."

It would seem that once a child is adopted by foster parents, it's a done deal. But in fact, it isn't. Some children, even after years with foster parents, are "unadopted." And it happens for the same reason the child is given up in the first place.

Fred Elia has been in the foster care system all of his life. At the age of two, Fred and his seven-month-old brother were put into foster care, and fortunately, ended up in a loving, stable and supportive family. By the age of 18, Elia, now 52, realized he wanted to make it his career, and has been a social worker and liaison among state, county and private agencies his entire adult life. Recently, a story was put before him that motivated his founding "A Thousand Moms" - a new non-profit organization designed to provide non-monetary support for foster parents.

The story was of a 14-year-old boy who had been adopted as a toddler by his foster family. As he got older, the boy exhibited signs that raised questions about his sexual identity - he wore nail polish, and would take his clothes apart, redesign them and put them back together.

"The parents went to the family court to give the child back," said Elia, "and the judge took him! Can you imagine, emotionally, what that would do to a kid?"

Elia realized that, while this is a specific issue, it still falls under the category of parents being emotionally unable to deal with issues that raising children inevitably present. But as a gay man with a partner of 15 years who grew up in a supportive foster home with his brother, who is also gay, Elia felt he could do his best work creating a network of support for foster parents, social workers and judges faced with the placement and support of children and teens who are gay, questioning their sexuality, or simply exhibiting behaviors that may ultimately mean nothing.

The issue of gay children in foster care is especially dire in light of recent statistics. According to New York State, gay young people or those questioning their sexual identity make up 30% of the population in group homes or residential settings. It is a disproportionate number, considering that 10% of general population is gay/bisexual. In addition, gay teens are four times as likely to attempt suicide compared to the teen population as a whole. Drug abuse, homelessness and incarceration are also at disproportionately high levels in this population. "My goal is to make foster families more stable for these children and teens by providing community-based support to parents," said Elia.

A Thousand Moms recruits people from all walks of life to offer support to the parents of gay children in foster care. "The goal is to help the parent, who can then help the child," he said. "We're creating a state-based network where people agree to dedicate anything from an hour a week to an hour a month to help support and counsel foster parents. We also provide training for social workers."

Elia realized the importance of such a network when he considered taking on a foster child - namely, the kid who made his own clothes. Elia knew he needed an extended support group - because even though he "knows gay" as he put it, he didn't know parenting.

"I grew up with a traditional loving mom who did all those mom things," said Elia. "Like, I don't cook. But I'd want a kid to come home to a good meal. I called a friend and said, 'If I were to do this, could you help me?' and I got many responses to the positive. I called another friend who's an accountant, and told her about the issue with the kid redoing his clothes. She said, 'this kid doesn't need a psychiatrist, he needs a sewing machine!'"

Anyone can be a "Mom," and all support is welcome. (To find out more about how you can help, visit www.athousandmoms.com.) To further support this organization, Hamptons resident Walter Donway is hosting the kickoff fundraiser for A Thousand Moms at the Children's Museum of the East End (CMEE) in Bridgehampton on Saturday, October 10, from 5-7 p.m. Elia will speak, as well as representatives from You Gotta Believe, a gay adoptive center, and Tammy Nuzzo-Morgan, the Poet Laureate of Suffolk County, who will read a poem she wrote for the occasion. There will be a wine and cheese reception and a silent art auction. Donations to attend the event start at $25. To purchase tickets, call (518) 355-0967, or go to www.athousandmoms.org