Dan's Papers - October 12, 2007 - Defending Sag Harbor

At a meeting held at the Whaler's Roundtable For Sag Harbor, which was attended by many Sag Harbor residents, a discussion on how to protect current local businesses such as Bay Street Theater from being driven out of town by real estate development companies and raised rents took place. The topic of discussion was "Unorthodox Methods" and members of the Board and Committee for the Whaler's Roundtable used a PowerPoint presentation to promote their ideas.

The first idea for protection, presented by Jessup Ajax, was to build a thirty-foot-wide moat around Sag Harbor and install drawbridges at all of the entrances to Sag Harbor's business district. "We would check every car that enters Sag Harbor for signs that they are coming to take away our local businesses. For example, if your business card read 'President and CEO of CVS,' then we would not lower the bridge for you."

"That would be expensive," said one resident in attendance. "The traffic alone would be a nightmare."

"I've thought of that. We could make the drawbridges electronic by setting up an EZ Pass system. Tourists from New York City would have to apply for the pass in advance and we could review their applications and approve or deny them at the roundtable. If they forget to apply, we'll also have a toll booth and the money generated from the toll would be distributed evenly amongst local business owners with high rents to pay."

"What if a developer tries to swim across the moat?"

"We'll add alligators to prevent that. We already have contacts with alligator farmers in Florida who are willing to exchange them for an all expense paid trip here next summer."

There were mumblings in the audience. "That is just one of our ideas," Ajax announced. "We have others." He clicked the slide from a map that showed all of the entrances where drawbridges would be necessary to a slide displaying a panther's paw print and the word "Blackwater" written underneath.

"Blackwater," said Ajax, "could very well protect us from any developers coming into the town. For those that don't know, Blackwater is a private military contractor that has gotten into trouble recently because of mishaps in Iraq. We've looked into it and they are currently offering discount security pricing."

The members of the audience and the roundtable appeared to be intrigued. "What are you suggesting?" asked one woman who was holding her baby wrapped in a light blue blanket.

"I'm suggesting that we hire Blackwater via local government contracts and authorize them to arrest any developer that appears to be trying to change the local businesses in our town. If they somehow manage to begin development, we could authorize them to go on industrial sabotage missions to make development of our town so expensive that they will fold under pressure."

"But what if the developer hires their own Blackwater security to protect them?" a man asked.

"Then it will be war. I'm prepared for war to protect this town, are you?"

Again, there was mumblings in the room.

The third and final slide Ajax presented was of a picture of Main Street in Sag Harbor with all of its cute, local shops, children eating ice cream, pick-up trucks parked and couples walking hand in hand. The audience collectively smiled and a sense of pride was felt throughout the room. After a few moments, Ajax clicked the projector and showed a picture of Main Street in Sag Harbor, only this time in place of children eating ice cream were heiresses sporting designer handbags, in place of pick-up trucks were luxury sedans, in place of local stores were high-end Fifth Avenue shops and CVS, Home Depot and Starbucks all through the village. On one side of the street were white-collar well-to-do dressed types and on the other side were illegal immigrants.