The Y-Factor with Christian McLean

Breast Cancer And Men

As a man, breast cancer isn't a disease which stares me in the face every time I look in the mirror. In fact, only about 1500 American men are diagnosed with breast cancer, compared to over 200,000 women. We experience breast cancer from the periphery, as husbands, sons, brothers, and friends. Our struggle does not come in the form of overcoming chemotherapy and surgical procedures, but stranded on the sideline as cheerleaders, feeling otherwise helpless. But we aren't helpless, we aren't bystanders.

The 21st century has told men that they no longer have to be chivalrous, that women are more than capable of fending for themselves; they are our equals and sometimes our betters, but no one can exist without help and support.

The breast, though primarily utilitarian, is also a symbol of sexuality and beauty. The psychological toll of having a mastectomy is much greater than that of having a lung removed. This is by no means a superficial response, but one of cultural, social and inter-personal constraints, which can have long-term effects. While men are powerless when it comes to the surgery, our help as a supporter and listener can be immeasurable.

Men react in different ways to breast cancer. As "bystanders," men sometimes find themselves self-conscious of everything they say and do. Others grow callous or removed. And while ignoring the problem isn't the proper answer, acting as you always have isn't as far a stretch as you think. By harping on the situation, whether for fear or for a lack of understanding, men make matters worse. The process is hard enough for women without their significant other bringing up his fears all the time. The truth is, it isn't your problem. When I say that it isn't meant to sound evil or horrid, but you must understand that everything that the man feels, a woman feels to the Nth degree.

Knowing your wife and her ability to cope is extremely important when discussing her breast cancer. Though honesty is usually the best policy, frightening your spouse with your own fears and apprehensions won't make things better. Even if you are extremely frightened, many breast cancer survivors say they don't want to hear it - their husband's fears compounded with their own make facing the disease even worse. That said, knowing your spouse and her threshold is very important, because you too have to face breast cancer. You have to deal with the fears and reality of it, and women fighting cancer want to know that their husbands care, that they understand, and if they don't understand at least that they are trying.

Clearly, only a small minority of men will ever go through the battle with breast cancer, but with men, it is different. The male chest doesn't carry the same significance as women's chests do. For those men that will only experience breast cancer through their significant other, there are support groups and hotlines that can help. Surviving breast cancer doesn't have to be a two-against-the-world scenario. Speaking to women and men that have gone through everything you are going through can help tremendously.

As a man, your job is to listen. The majority of you aren't doctors. It isn't your body. You have no real control over anything. You must accept that and then go forward. Supporting and listening to your significant other is so important. You can spend days on the internet doing research, but without listening to what is actually going on in her life, you will be completely lost.

You must also maintain your sense of humor. As they say, laughter is the best medicine. In studies, women seem to truly appreciate a sense of humor when staring adversity in the face. Don't change who you are, trying to be someone you're not isn't the answer. Be yourself. Don't walk on eggshells. Anyone can pick up on apprehension, and people in a heightened sense of awareness will see it in an instant. It makes matters worse.

Bring flowers. It sounds silly, but little things can make a big difference. A bouquet of her favorite flowers is a simple, yet appreciated, way of showing your affection. It is these little things that can change everything. All the doctors in the world cannot restore a sense of being and happiness. Your job is to be strong and supportive, to listen when she speaks, to make her life more enjoyable; get her mind off the struggle, but also deal with the disease. When in doubt, and as often as you can, tell her she's strong and amazing and beautiful.

Back to Contents