Dan's Papers - October 13, 2006 - The Sheltered Islander By Sally Flynn

All the 'How To' shows on TV feature clearing out your closets as part of decluttering your house. But their closets never seem to look like mine.

First of all, we're at that awkward in-between time of year when we start the day in winter clothes and end it in summer clothes. So not all of the summer stuff can be put away, nor all of the winter stuff pulled out. We're all trying to stuff things in and pull things out of our closets without triggering the Closet Encounter.

You know the Closet Encounter is getting closer when you drop something among the shoes on the floor of your closet. Now, as you pursue the lost item on your hands and knees, sneezing from the dust, as you memorize the locations of the spider webs, you know you absolutely MUST clean out this closet soon and rotate the summer/winter clothes.

The Closet Encounter is coming... I recommend a two to three week procrastination, I mean preparation, period so you can experience the joy of anticipating what you might find, like the glove you lost or the joy of finding things you forgot you bought.

You also have time to steel yourself for "summer shrinkage." Many sweaters and pants that fit last year shrunk in the summer closet, which exceeds 400 degrees. Now those items will have to be stored through the winter in the hope that the winter cool will expand them so that we may wear them next season. Maybe you're thinking, "But wait, things expand in heat and shrink in cold." Generally that's true, but the laws of physics do not apply to closets.

We also need time to prepare for "Sparkle Shock." I've never had this problem, but I know lots of gals do. Sparkle Shock is when you pull a top out of the closet that you cannot believe you wore last winter. You know, the Christmas sweater with the Rudolph nose that lights up... or the sequined giant snowflakes top...or the sweater with the glittering Alvin and the Chipmunks on the front with the words to their Christmas song on the back. You see, winter gets so dull and drab that these things look wonderful at the time so everyone wears them. And they will look good again around mid December, but that initial sparkle shock can be a doozy, so you want to be prepared. I never have this problem because all my taste is in my mouth and every winter top I have is a glitz on titz spectacular!

Prior to the Closet Encounter, we have to spend a lot of time looking in the catalogs that come to search out new things we want to buy. This "wish book" search is essential to the Closet Encounter closet cleanout because it creates motivation to throw old things away, or better yet, perfect ways to compact existing items to make way for new stuff.

Finally, the Closet Encounter is here. The kids are at school, the hubby is at work, the bed (sorting area) is cleared off and ready. You stand there facing a long row of sleeves. You pause, allowing time for a phone call to come in, any call that comes in and stops you is a sign that this task should not be done today. If it rings, you say, "Thank God you called, I'm in the closet." Without a call, you're doomed.

You are amazed at the pile of clothes on the bed! The cubic volume of the stack far exceeds the cubic volume of the closet. If it were not for expandable drywall, half this stuff couldn't be forced back into the closet.

With everything out, you vacuum, the spiders are on the run. You put some sachets on the top shelf, as recommended by the "How To" people, and begin the restuffing process. Summer stuff gets restuffed first. You throw out an average of seven items. But not to worry, this loss is counterbalanced by the eleven items you will add through the winter. And so it goes until you move into a bigger house.

At the end of the Closet Encounter, you order take out for dinner because you are entitled to a three day period of rest. You'll only get an hour of it, so dramatize and maximize while you can. I like to lay on the couch drooling, with glazed eyes, and a few stray sequins stuck to my cheeks for that special touch. My children bring me shrimp and cocktail sauce which helps my recovery from yet another Closet Encounter.