Dan's Papers - October 6, 2006 - The Sheltered Islander By Sally Flynn

In the beginning, it's just learning not to stick your finger in a socket. As we grow, the list of things we do once and never again grows too.

Never ask your husband to pick up hair color for you. I did this once. I asked for medium auburn, I got Midnight black. I finally figured out that all hair color products are labeled with coded wording that men cannot decipher. Only women understand that words like, "Burnished Sunset" means medium auburn.

Never ask your husband to pick up feminine products for you. I did this once. I asked for a specific product. I got hemorrhoid cream. Since these items were on the same aisle, I assume he thought that something resembling a tube of caulk would be a better solution.

Never send your wife into a hardware store to get little things. We can identify a weed wacker, but we cannot identify different sizes of nails, screws and washers and all that little stuff. Yelling at us will not make us understand it any more than us yelling at you will help you understand hair colors.

Never take a child into a toy store unless you intend to get them something. If you don't get them a toy, they will tantrum to the point that someone will become convinced you are kidnapping them and call the police. At that point, you can confess that you just found the kid wandering around in the store and you're not his parent, in which case you go free and leave the kid for CPS. Or, you can say that you are the parent and that they were just having a tantrum, in which case they make you leave and take the screaming kid with you.

When you were young, you could jump into a pile of autumn leaves and it really didn't bother you when your butt slammed to the ground. After forty, you can still jump into a pile of leaves and slam down on your butt, but you will only do it once.

Everyone has a personal blood alcohol level that trips the lever in their brain where all the strange ideas live. Halloween is coming. Do not trip that lever while trying to carve a pumpkin. My uncles did it many times, because once wasn't enough for them, and we always had "Picasso pumpkins" because nobody could figure out what they were supposed to be.

Never bring a hearing impaired friend or relative to a movie. I said.....NEVER BRING A HEARING IMPAIRED FRIEND TO THE MOVIES.

If your child needs some pediatric over-the -counter medicine, either go get it yourself or call the pharmacy and have the items ready for pickup for your hubby. If you send him with this list: Tylenol Pediatric Cold Formula, Vick's Vapor rub, Pediatric Robitussin D Cherry flavor; you will get....aspirin. And you will hear, "What? It's all the same thing."

Never take a toddler to a crowded event, like a fair, without observing the 'Twofer Rule': You need two adults fer every one toddler. Toddlers always break away and if they see any open area, they run for it. It takes one adult running straight for them and one adult to sneak up on their flank to catch the little darlings.

I am convinced that as we age, we value quality sleep as much as good nutrition or exercise for our well-being. With that in mind, always choose a mattress together. Never trust your partner to make the best choice for you. I made this mistake once and slept on a board for ten years. His back will win out over your back every time! And if you like a soft bed and he likes to sleep on a concrete slab, get twin mattresses, push them together, and give him visitation rights - but only if he earns them, of course.

I don't care what the women's magazines say, do not surprise your hubby at the door wrapped in saran wrap, wearing only a smile, or covered in scented oil. Without fail that is the one day he will show up with either his brother or his boss. I do have a personal story here, but I have shoved into the corner of my mind labeled, "First things to go when I get Alzheimer's" and I notice as time goes by, I seem to have more and more memories on that wait list...

There are many things we do once and never again. I've begun to think that wisdom is just a bad experience with a really positive spin.