THE NAKED COWBOY
WON'T RUN FOR MAYOR

By Dan Rattiner

If you ever wanted a story that would show the importance of Secretary's Day, this is it. If it were not for Robert Burck's lack of appreciation for what secretaries do, we might have a naked cowboy running for the Mayor of New York.

Actually, it would not just be any naked cowboy. It would be THE Naked Cowboy, the strapping, six-foot, two-inch-tall man with the long blond hair, acoustic guitar, cowboy hat, high boots, underpants, guitar and little else, who hangs out in Times Square in that outfit every day and who, for a few bucks, will strum you a tune.

Back in July, Robert Burck, who is that Naked Cowboy, announced that he would be running for Mayor this November. He has a formidable resume for a naked cowboy. He has a degree in Political Science from the University of Cincinnati, a father who was a councilman in Cincinnati and a campaign slogan that reads, "Never has anyone done more with less." It seemed to him that the City of New York would benefit from having The Naked Cowboy at the helm.

Burck made speeches. He gave interviews. Then he began to get involved with the City's paperwork. Somebody told him he would need to formally announce his candidacy by filling out a form from the New York City Board of Elections. A friend got such a form online and printed it out, and Burck filled it out and sent it in. He figured that was that. A month later, on August 27, he heard back from the Board of Elections. There were deficiencies in his paperwork. Also, he had filed past the deadline when it would be possible for his name to appear on the ballot. He could rectify this problem by going to a hearing on September 12 and discussing it with a Board of Elections panel, but first would have to fix the deficiencies. He needed to send in a birth certificate, a proof of residency and a government ID with his picture on it.

Four days later, while he was working on this, he got a letter from the New York City Conflicts of Interest Board, which he didn't even know existed, that said they were assessing him a $250 fine for failing to file the Financial Disclosure Form, which is required when running for public office in the City of New York. He could pay the fine by certified mail, or by coming down to the New York City Conflicts of Interest Board and personally hand-delivering it. They would only accept the fine if the Financial Disclosure Form was with it. If he did not do this he could be subject to a jail sentence.

Burck, in this second foray into the political muck of the City, decided to fill out the Financial Disclosure Form and go down there himself, in costume, with the required $250 and in the company of several reporters. On September 2, he appeared before the Board in his regular garb, but to show he meant business, added a leopard mink collar with snaps on it, which he wore around his neck. He had the check and the form, which he showed to reporters before handing in, since, as he said, it would be a public record that they would be able to look at anyway. It shows that his profession is "traveling entertainer," that he has a cash management account with Merrill Lynch with $5,000 in it, an I. R. A. from that same firm with $35,000 in it and that he makes between $100,000 and $250,000 a year. He also reports no loans outstanding, no trusts and no outside affiliations.

Two days later, The Naked Cowboy, after giving all this further thought, decided to hold a press conference to announce he was bowing out of the race.

"I'm dropping out," he told reporters. "The only way to be taken seriously in this town is to put on a suit and tie. That's why Mayor Bloomberg looks like a mayor and I look like a naked cowboy. What I want to do is stick with what I do best."

"Will you stop the $250 check you've written?" a reporter asked.

"No. They'd only fine me for something else-maybe for stopping the check."

The money spent was a lesson learned, he said, and a good one.

Asked for any final thoughts, he said this: "Politics is not fun and games; it is serious stuff." He paused. "My mind is a little more dreamy."

The piece missing with all of this, of course, is a secretary. If The Naked Cowboy had one, he could get those damn letters, press a button, brush his blond hair out of his eyes and talk to her over the speakerphone.

"Alex, call the Board of Elections and the City Conflicts of Interest Board and straighten this out. Have it on my desk by tomorrow morning."

When Secretary's Day comes, whenever it is (I'll have to ask my secretary), have her pick up some flowers on her way to work to give to you, so you can give them to her. That's the way to get things done in the City that Never Sleeps.

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