Police Blotter

Spray Painted
A man parked his car at Indian Wells Beach in Amagansett and when he returned, his Honda Odyssey had been spray painted and scratched. When he reported the incident to police, they responded, "That's odd."

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Drunk
A drunk man in Westhampton was so drunk that he was found by police lying down on a pier and urinating off the side of it. When they confronted him, he fell into the water. The man managed to climb back up onto the pier and then fell back asleep on the ground.

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Ford Escape?
A woman reported to police in Southampton that somebody stole $21,000 worth of jewelry out of her Ford Escape. Police were like, "Ford?"

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Speeding
A woman in Sag Harbor was pulled over by police after she was caught speeding through a school zone. When police pulled her over she pleaded that she was in a rush and wasn't worried about killing a young kid.

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Brooklyn
A man from Brooklyn was arrested in Southampton after he punched a woman in the head inside a store. Oooooooh those Brooklyn guys are so tough, with their crappy artwork and their stupid army hats with patches. What a jackoff.

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Porn?
Somebody broke into a home in East Hampton and, among other thefts, ordered porn on the owner's television. The owner of the home is also reported a towel missing.

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Kitty
A woman in Montauk rented a hotel room and dumped kitty litter down the toilet, causing a flood in the room. The owner of the hotel does not allow cats, and the woman and the owner argued about it. The owner thinks the woman dumped the kitty litter down the toilet intentionally. Police mediated the situation, and calmed both party's down after it was determined that the kitty litter is in fact of the flushable nature. She tried to explain on behalf of the kitty, that he was totally embarrassed for clogging the toilet and didn't want to admit to it and just get the hell out of there.

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Tools
A man in Hampton Bays reported to police that somebody stole $1,000 worth of tools from his pickup truck while it was parked. The criminal did leave behind really bad craftsmanship when the theft was finished and still sent a bill.

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Flat Screen
A flat screen television was stolen from a home in East Quogue during the beginning of football season and the end of baseball season. Those heartless son's of @#$@#.

- Compiled and Written by David Lion Rattiner

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