The Sheltered Islander By Sally Flynn

The Fashion Police Have Arrived!

By Matthew Verrinder, AP Writer, September 16, 2007

Trenton, NJ - It's a fashion that started in prison and now the saggy pants craze has come full circle. Low-slung street strutting in some cities may soon mean run-ins with the law, including a stint in jail in Trenton...Proposals to ban saggy pants are starting to ride up in several places. In one small Louisiana town it means six months in jail and a $500 fine. The penalty is stiffer in Delcambre, LA., where in June the town council passed an ordinance that carries a fine of up to $500 or six months in jail for exposing underwear in public. The message is clear: We don't want to see your backside."

Oh boy, if how you wear your clothes is going to be legislated, we're going to have a lot of people in trouble on Shelter Island.

"How old are those topsiders, Mr. Smith?"

"Ah, coupla years, Officer."

"I can see your toes coming out on both sides. You own a million dollar home on Ram Island, Mr. Smith. This Island has an image to uphold. There's no excuse for a man with your means. And that Inn Between t-shirt, how old is that? That place closed down years ago. Can't you wear the shirts with the little alligators on the pocket like the tourists?"

"I hate those shirts. Why can't I wear what I want?"

"Just 'cause you're rich, doesn't mean you can look poor. What do you think this is, a free country?"

"I don't care if it's midnight, Mr. Johnson, you can't sneak into the Post Office wearing your bathrobe and pajamas to get your mail. What if an off-Islander saw you? You wouldn't want them to think that we live like this, would you?"

"But we do live like this, Officer."

"That's not the point. We have to change. What if CNN or "60 Minutes" showed up right now?"

"Okay. Next time I'll wear a tie with the robe."

"Ms. Flynn, don't you dare get out of that car. There will be no sneaking to Fedi's without make-up for you. You know there's a town ordinance stating that you can't leave your house without make-up. Three men went blind the last time you did that."

"Ah, c'mon, their insurance covered the cornea transplants."

"We can't risk the town being sued because you left the house looking like this. Allowing you to go out with your face in its natural state is the same as letting a pit bull run loose. Somebody's going to get hurt."

"Mrs. Jones! Stop! You can't go into the IGA wearing a sleeveless shirt. All women over size 14, or over the age of 40, must wear shirts with sleeves."

"Who cares? The tourists have gone home. It's just us now."

"Yes, but we're upgrading the Island and everyone has to look better to contribute to the overall appearance."

"Why? Who do we need to impress?"

"It's just the law, Mrs. Jones. The law doesn't need a reason to exist."

"You there! Sir! Stop!"

"What? My pants are up, I got on a clean shirt, what is it?"

"You have 24 hours to go to the barber and get rid of that mullet."

"This is my style. I like my hair this way."

"I'm sorry, but Shelter Island, in order to promote itself as a choice resort island, must be mullet and comb-over free."

"No comb-overs either? Wow, you must be making a fortune writing tickets for comb-overs. Is that how the Police afforded that new Hummer?"

"Why, no. That was, ah, a gift."

"With the plate that says, ILUVQBALL?"

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