Dan's Papers - September 21, 2007

It is in the air, football season is here. I love football season. It gives me yet another excuse to sit in front of the television. I normally leave my chair for commercials to eat as much food out of the refrigerator as possible before the game comes back on, but I was drawn to a Dominos commercial about the new Dominos Oreo Dessert Pizza. I'm sorry, I should say that differently, THE NEW DOMINOS OREO DESSERT PIZZA.

If you haven't seen the Dominos Oreo Pizza mustache commercial, get on the Internet and watch it on www.youtube.com. It is hysterical. It also advertises their new dessert pizza. I for one am always in the mood for cookies and frosting after I scarf down twenty dollars worth of bread, oil and cheese. Usually, I have to subject myself to shame by eating frosting directly out of the container and dipping Tate's Chocolate Chip Cookies in it afterwards. But this new dessert pizza erases my guilt. It says to me that I'm not the only one that is in the mood for chemical food after eating chemical food. I want this pizza! Why do I live so far away from a Dominos? Why do I live in the Hamptons?!

I called my buddy Matt, who lives in a suburb outside of Boston and works for a high-end refrigerator company as a computer technician.

He starts laughing hysterically.

"Why are you laughing man?"

"Dude, I know why you are calling me. I just saw the commercial, too. The Jets suck."

"Dude, it looks unbelievable. A cookie pizza? You have got to be kidding me. Did you order it? The Jets do not suck."

"I was thinking about it, but I don't know if I can sink that low. Dessert after pizza? It doesn't seem right. What the hell has happened to this country?"

"Matt, when we were roommates we each drank a six-pack of Guinness then topped it off with Pillsbury cookie dough, then ordered pizza AND Chinese food, and I think that night I also ate a bag of beef jerky."

"Yeah, I remember that. That was pretty awesome."

"I may travel the two hours to the closest Dominos Pizza, just to try this genius piece of Americana."

"You're right dude. They are going to make this illegal one day. I have to give it a shot."

"Let me know how it goes."

I hung up the phone, hopped in my car and headed west to the world of Dominos, McDonalds, Taco Bell, KFC and everything else that is causing 1/3 of Americans to be obese. I was on a mission. I started thinking about how they should make a cookie dough beef jerky pizza. That would be pretty sweet. Maybe I could make a million bucks by getting the rights to a cookie dough beef jerky pizza recipe and sell it to Dominos. Yeah, that's the ticket.

As I was driving, a devil and an angel each appeared, one on my right shoulder and the other on my left shoulder. The angel, sporting six-pack abs and sunglasses, was trying to talk me out of this as I passed by the Vitamin Shoppe in Bridgehampton. "Don't do this," he said. "You'll die."

Then the devil, who was having a hard time steering his Rascal because his stomach was in the way, chimed in. "Get the pizza David, it will be worth it. Think about how glorious it will be."

The two of them started to argue. The devil was right. It will be glorious. On the other hand, I wasn't sure if my stomach could still handle that kind of debauchery. Eating a half-gallon of Haagan Dazs with a couple of toasted bagels and extra cream cheese is one thing. But regular pizza followed by Oreo pizza? Oh woe is me. Some decisions in life are so difficult.

I then noticed that gas was running low and I started thinking about how much pollution I was creating from driving so much. Then I started to think about my lease and how I shouldn't go over my mileage. Then it hit me why I have decided to live year-round in the Hamptons. God is watching over me. He knows that I don't have the ability to control myself around Dominos and he doesn't want me to die, which is why he guided me to the Hamptons to work year-round where the fish is always fresh, the food is organic and the restaurants are above average. Good ol' God, always looking out.