Dan's Papers - September 12, 2008 - The Hampton Subway Newsletter

Alec Baldwin was seen repeatedly going up and down the escalator between the street and the platform in Amagansett. Who knew there was such a little boy in him? Sarah Palin was huddling with Paris Hilton on the platform in Southampton. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was seen standing holding a strap on a full subway car heading from Westhampton Beach to Quogue.

Next Tuesday the subway motormen's union has announced that they will hold a slowdown on our entire system from noon to three that day. It is to highlight that their contract negotiations have now entered their fifth year without an agreement. Those using the system during those hours should expect trains to be going only three miles per hour. A trip from Southampton to Hampton Bays should take an hour and 10 minutes, so be aware of this and plan accordingly.

Three different but identical meetings were held in our Hampton Bays cafeteria last Thursday to brief all employees about hurricane preparedness. The three meetings were necessary so all employees on each of the three shifts could attend without disrupting service.

Experts explained that when a hurricane approaches, the main thing for the employees to consider on the platforms and in the subway tunnels is flooding. No one is to be permitted in the subway system during a hurricane, and so volunteers will serve as guards at the stairs to each platform to keep people from coming down, and other volunteers are to escort all riders, customers and employees out and up the escalators to the street. All employees, except for one, are to huddle under tables in the Hampton Bays headquarters building until the hurricane passes. Doors are to be bolted so the subway customers cannot get in. There's not enough room. The one employee, a volunteer, is to remain down in the subway with a cell phone to report on rising waters until the hurricane moves past.

A laboratory in Albuquerque, New Mexico, has determined once and for all that the black liquid seeping into the new subway tunnel being dug between Sag Harbor and the Foxwoods gambling resort is oil. Apparently, there is oil under the seabed of Long Island Sound. As you know, work on that subway tunnel has been stopped by the EPA because the seeping oil is being pumped out of the tunnel into the water where it rises to the surface to form what is now identified as an oil slick.

One thoroughbred horse remains at large somewhere in the subway system. He was supposed to have gone to the Hampton Classic Horse Show, but ran off. If you see him, report him to any subway employee. He answers to the name "Hickstead."

The fundraiser for Bristol and Sarah Palin held on the Water Mill platform last Tuesday was a huge success. Hundreds attended, ate buffalo and yak burgers and witnessed a shotgun shooting competition refereed by the vice-presidential candidate. Damage to the subway platform walls was minimal and should be repaired by the end of this week.

Somehow, while I was away on vacation in Rio last week, the order was given to paint the subway cars red, white and blue in honor of the 300th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. As this event took place in 1776, and the 300th anniversary will not be until 2076, upon my return home I immediately put a halt to these proceedings. However, 11 of the cars were completed before I ordered this stopped. For economic purposes we will keep them in service with their current paint job until the time comes to celebrate that event. We will call these cars "patriot cars," and will be giving out little paper flags on toothpicks to the first 100 riders of the day every day until our stock runs out.