Dan's Papers - September 14, 2007 - The Sheltered Islander

My daughter, Chenoa, just got her learner's permit. I didn't learn to drive 'till I was 25 years old. It took me five attempts before I got my license, so my qualifications to teach someone else to drive are just slightly more impressive than Stevie Wonder's.

So I want all the Islanders to know that if they see a red Ford Aerostar going abnormally slow, riding its brakes, sneaking up on Stop signs, it's probably me, but I'd prefer it if everybody thought it was my daughter. I'm tired of being held responsible for my poor driving skills - let somebody else take the rap for a while.

We're driving all over the Island and I'm seeing parts of it in which I've never been lost in before. So many amazingly beautiful houses, so many private roads, so many narrow private roads, so many roads with no way to turn around without backing onto people's lawns, so many Island residents who can run really fast to protect flowerbeds. Who knew?

I am happy to report that most of the fence posts on Shelter Island are very sturdy and can stop a van. The ones that knock down easily can be righted in just a few minutes and any tire tracks leading to them can be easily covered with vines and leaves.

It's also nice to know that 99% of Shelter Island residents have functioning horns on their cars, SUVs and vans. And all the cars on Shelter Island can stop on a dime. I didn't know before now that men's cursing can be heard over rap music.

I didn't know there were so many radio stations with rap music. I didn't know that rap music causes homicidal thoughts in the brains of old flower children riding shotgun in a van with a new driver. I didn't know I had the strength to rip a radio out of the dashboard of my van.

I am having trouble remembering that there is no brake on the passenger side of the car. I have learned that my van starts to tip over when cornering at speeds greater than 20 mph. I am enjoying my re-acquaintance with the Lord. I know the driver can't drink and drive, but can the passenger drink when someone else is driving?

When the movie Alien came out, the ads read, "In space, no one can hear you scream." I've learned that no one can hear you scream in a minivan, over rap music, with the windows up.

When my daughter finally pulls into the driveway, she always says, "C'mon Mom, it wasn't that bad." I just throw open the door and hurl myself onto the front lawn, yelling, "LAND!"