Dan's Papers - September 14, 2007

What would have happened if years ago, instead of the cost of real estate going through the roof, the cost of cats went through the roof? What would articles look like in Dan's Papers?

I would like to invite readers to join me on this very merry journey. Here's a bunch I have thought up. If you can think of a few of your own to add, send them to my blog, Dan's Blog at www.danshamptons.com. This list is Part I and entries considered good enough will be printed in Part II in two weeks.

CLASSIFIED
Cat for Sale: Persian. $1,220,000. Recently reduced. Clean and with papers. Same owner last ten years.

2% CAT TRANSFER TAX APPROVED
The Southampton Town approved a 2% transfer tax yesterday on all cat sales that are in excess of $200,000. The money is earmarked to create preserves for dogs.
"Dogs have been an important part of the Hamptons landscape for hundreds of years," the Town Supervisor said. "Now they are vanishing. What could be more Hamptons than a black lab running happily down to the ocean to have a swim? We will be using the money to create special pastureland in the town where dogs can be free to graze unmolested. We will have vets and dogwalkers. There will also be places where dogs can be taken on leashes, of course, down paths to frolic in the ocean."

LECTURE BY CAT WHISPERER' HERE
Alice Thompson, the owner of cats in Manhattan, Southampton and Palm Beach, will read from her new book Cat Whisperer, which is already on the New York Times Best Seller list. She will give her talk at the Bridgehampton Library Friday at Five program on July 17 and will read her chapter "The Cat I Bought for $45 in 1971 that is worth $3.3 million today." And then participate in a question and answer period.

LOST CAT
Last seen on Springs-Fireplace Road in East Hampton. We are heartbroken. Just a plain old tabby not worth much. But we offer a $300,000 reward.

PIERRE L'ENSAN OPENS STUDIO HERE
The famous cat groomer Pierre L'Ensan has opened a salon on Jobs Lane in Southampton. This adds to his other salons in Cannes, Rio de Janeiro, Aspen and Palm Springs. He will be here personally from August 12 to 13 and is accepting appointments by lottery only.

PUSSY D'ENCORE WINS HAMPTON CLASSIC
Eleanor Frothingham of Meadow Lane has won the Hampton Classic Grand Prix held last Sunday in Bridgehampton with her puffball cat Inches, a purebred white Uruguayan Pomeratica worth a reported $8 million. Such an attentive, pleasant cat has not been seen at the Grand Prix in years.

LOCALS SELL CATS AND MOVE
"It's not safe having a cat in East Hampton," said Gladys Hendrickson from her new home in North Carolina. "Me and my family go back to the seventeen hundreds. Cats weren't worth much then. We let them roam free, come in and out as they please. I've never seen such foolishness. $2 million for a cat? I sold ours last year for $800,000 when we moved down here. Now I'm told our Kookoo was resold for $2 million. And they won't even let her out alone for fear of the catnappers."

LABOR CRISIS IN THE HAMPTONS
Statistics show that more and more local people are selling their cats, usually at a huge profit, and then moving away. And more and more there is a labor crisis here. As a result, our Senators and Congressmen have proposed a law that would allow foreigners from certain countries where cats are abused to come to the Hamptons and seek work on what they call a Cat Permit. Currently, 90-day permits have been put into place for college students from Slovakia, India, Costa Rica and Nebraska. We expect to get through the summer.

DON'T LET YOUR DECEASED CAT LOSE HIS VALUE
What will you do when your cat dies? Consider having him or her stuffed. We have a wide variety of plans that will enhance the value of your dead cat far and away more than the value he or she might bring otherwise. Ask about our Emperor or Empress Plan. For $455,000, we can stuff your cat and display him or her in a case surrounded by the gold and diamond jewelry he or she had during his or her life. There is a plan for every taste. Contact Regal Feline Taxidermy. 888-7134-21

JOAN GRILLE HONORED AT DINNER
Joan Grille, the lead broker at Hampton Catlery, is to be the recipient of the "Best Broker of the Year" award given every year by Hampton Catlery at their annual dinner held at Nick and Toni's Restaurant in East Hampton.
Joan sold 44 cats for a total of $122,000,000 during 2006 and is on pace to match that for 2007. She is to receive the silver cat statue for her achievement and will be allowed to display it in her home until this time next year.
After the dinner, the entire staff, except for a few secretaries, will jet off for their annual two- week vacation at the Paradise Island Hotel in the Bahamas penthouse suites.

DOGS BEING SENT TO SENEGAL
Unwanted dogs in the Hamptons are being rounded up by the Southampton Animal Control Unit of Southampton Township to be transferred to the city of Impaglix, Senegal, where cats are reportedly allowed to run free and are treated properly. Charles Wilson of the Southampton Holy Catnip Church in Southampton has raised the funds to pay for the transfer, which will take place by freighter from Pier 17 in Manhattan on Tuesday, October 22.

WE BRING YOUR CAT
Unable to pick up your cat for its weekend in the Hamptons? We can provide that service for you. All our vehicles are chauffeur driven and include attendant, groomer, fully stocked refrigerator and bar (with milk) and catnip. Armed security available.

HOUSE FOR SALE
7 bedrooms, 6 baths on the ocean in Amagansett. Excellent condition. 4 acres. First offer over $35,000.

SOUTHAMPTON HOSPITAL TO OPEN NEW FELINE WING ON TUESDAY.

CAT TO BE AUCTIONED ON COURTHOUSE STEPS
The Burnese cat Heckles, owned by the estate of Morton Essex of Greenwich, Manhattan and Southampton, will be auctioned off on the courthouse steps of Southampton Town on Monday at 3 p.m. Sealed bids may be sent before noon on Friday to Southampton Town Clerk, Southampton, NY and will be opened during the auction.
The auction has been made necessary because of a dispute between the heirs of Morton Essex, which has been in the courts for more than two years.

A FAKE
The winner of the 2005 Hampton Classic and seventeen other events in the United States and abroad since that time, has been declared a fraud by a committee of experts assembled at Butler University in Eagleton, Texas. The cat, supposedly the pet of the King of Spain and bearing the name of L'Acculat de Hemers a Crox, was reported as a rare European Shorthair and supposedly worth hundreds of millions of dollars.
In fact, the cat was born in Camden, New Jersey in 1993 and raised on a farm in the Catskills until the fraud began in 2002. Confessing to the crime is Harry Levinson of Sutton Place in Manhattan, who has pled guilty to the charge and has agreed to a plea bargain that will result in his serving the next 33 years in a Kentucky State Prison.

STOCKS SINK
Stocks on the New York Stock Exchange were down 112 points at noon today as brokers reacted to yesterday afternoon's news of the failure of two Egyptian Mau cats owned by Bill Gates to draw more than $3.2 million at an auction at Sotheby's. In the end, they sold for $2.9 million to a cat house in Dubai.
"We see this as the beginning of what may be a long downward trend," said Harry Mathis of Merrill Lynch. "Coupled with the failure of three Bengal kittens owned by George Steinbrenner to meet the minimum of $5.3 million two weeks ago, we are advising investors to be wary."