Dan's Papers - August 29, 2008

Sure China is on the other side of the planet and while many of you can probably charter private jets to catch a glimpse of the Olympic action, I'd like to propose another idea - and it's not sitting on the couch stuffing your face with Cheetos while watching incredible athletic feats. Host your own Olympics here in the Hamptons. You're probably thinking about events like Jitney Chasing, Celebrity Stalking, and Polo Watching but I'm talking about running, sweating, swimming, and just being an overall weekend warrior.

On Friday night, once all your competitors have arrived, divide them equally into countries. The more people involved the more countries you can have, though two countries is plenty. The opening ceremony is obviously important. Get yourself an outdoor fireplace, and a tiki torch. Pass out glow sticks (for that authentic Beijing feel) and download the Olympic anthem from iTunes. Hit play and begin a slow march toward the fire pit with the tiki torch. Light the fire and commence celebrations.

Saturday morning start off with a healthy breakfast and then let the games begin. While the summer Olympics has over thirty events, I'd suggest you limit your competition to a maximum of 11. Some are team sports, some are individual. Team sports are great for friends who aren't into intense competition, and those looking for fierce competition can find it in one on one events.

Remember the Hamptons Olympics lasts only two days and covers several events, so get all the high intensity games out of the way earlier in the morning or later in the afternoon, when the sun isn't at its most powerful. Now for the competition:

Tennis -From Red Creek Park in Hampton Bays to Herrick Park in East Hampton, there are public courts throughout the Hamptons. Contact the Parks Department in your town to see if you need any special permits. Play singles or doubles, whatever will be the most fun.

Swimming - It's the Hamptons, everyone has a pool and they're all different sizes. It's up to you, The Hamptons Olympic Committee, to decide if the race will be one lap, two laps, relay, etc.

Track and Field - From Dizzy Izzy to a mile sprint, there is definitely some scope of running you are able to do. From your backyard to a back road, map an event that will challenge your competitors.

Softball - It's like the easiest sport in the world to play. Even your grandmother can do it. Just put her in right field and pray there aren't any lefty batters.

Water Polo - Do it in the shallow end so you don't drown trying to tread water for the whole game. Setup the goals so you are playing the width of the pool. Use four players (not including the goalie) for this shortened game. On the international level there are four seven-minute quarters, but it's your Olympics, so you can change times accordingly.

Table Tennis - If you're not into the whole running back and forth outside for a few hours. It's a real Olympic sport, by the way.

Fencing - Use those pool noodles cut down to 35 inches (the average length of fencing foils). This is not sword fighting, this is fencing using foils so you are only allowed thrusts to the body. Strikes to the face are illegal. First to 15 points wins.

Tug-of-War - While this is no longer an Olympic sport, for the first four Olympic games in the early part of the 20th century it was. The Americans even won the event in 1904.

Badminton - You can buy a set at Kmart for like 20 bucks.

Sailing - Doesn't everyone have a sailboat?

Kayaking -Rent a few kayaks from Main Beach or one of the other local stores and set up a starting line and a finishing line. The real athletes race a minimum of 500 meters. Are you up for that?

NOTE: To avoid frequent trips to the emergency room Wrestling, Taekwondo, Weightlifting, Judo, and Shooting should be left to the real Olympic Athletes.

At the end of Saturday have an awards ceremony. You can order actual medals online at various sites or you can be creative. Gold medals can come in the shape gift certificates, fine single malts, or whatever you think the athletes would truly covet. On Sunday after the final matches and when all the scores have been tallied, host a closing ceremony with specialties from the winning country.

To prevent any scandal, make sure any of the athletes who regularly take medication on the World Anti-Doping Agency's Prohibited List get a Therapeutic Use Exemption form filled out by their doctor. Cheaters never win.