Dan's Papers - August 31, 2007 - What Job Will Be Right For You When Summer Says Goodbye?

That's it. Vacation's over. It's September and it's time to get back to work. And just in case you don't have a job to go back to, I thought I'd help you out. True, I've probably selected some job possibilities that interest me. But I've tried to encompass all your qualifications and at the same time provide a picture of the North Fork workforce.

For instance, in Riverhead there's a wealth management firm looking for an assistant. I don't know if that means you must be rich to apply or if you'll get rich should you take the job. In any case, it's probably a job that requires ties for guys and heels for women. So count me out. Other North Forkers? Maybe.

Then there's a request for an artist's model needed in early evenings. Warning: If you apply here you might want to bring a friend along. You can't be too careful. I know that if I were to apply for the job, I'd ask to switch the hours to the middle of the night. I think I look my best in total darkness.

A seafood company is looking for a fish cutter. The ad doesn't mention whether this is before or after the fish is cooked. Seems to me that would make all the difference in the world. I can cut a cooked shrimp in half but some raw 25-pound thing scares me. Full benefits are promised to the fish cutter. Does that mean all the fish you can eat or an occasional cruise on a fishing vessel? Not bad either way.

Indeed, if it's travel you enjoy, why not try for one of the many "driver wanted" jobs. Here's one. You can drive locally, do winery tours, or take folks to the airports. But you can't have a criminal background. Says so. Now how could that apply on our North Fork?

Still not sure? Don't worry. A radio station has an opening that might be just right. The ad says the candidate must be enthusiastic and willing to work nontraditional hours. Oh boy! That last part might be a problem.

While most North Forkers are enthusiastic, it seems most of them are in their pajamas by 9 p.m. They will not be willing, I think, to work nontraditional - say the midnight shift. We're just not that way.

This sounds good. A job for a porter in Riverhead. The ad says it's a "great opportunity to join a winning team." Maybe you played basketball in high school and never made it to the finals. Perhaps you were on a swim team that always came in last. Or it could be you were never on a team at all. In truth, no coach wanted you. Well, here's your chance to be on a winning porter team.

Stop. Wait a minute. Doesn't the North Fork have a winning Porter team already? Don't tell Greenport about that Riverhead ad.

If you are a loner, then being on a team is exactly what you don't want in a job. Don't despair. The North Fork has something for you. Also in Riverhead, there's a "single-lawyer law firm" looking for a secretary. That sounds good. The secretary works in one room, the single-lawyer in another. But I'm a little concerned. Does "single-lawyer" mean unmarried and looking? Better watch it on this one.

Finally, you might see your way clear to work as an ophthalmic assistant. The work is either in Riverhead or Southold and they'd like medical experience. I can understand that. But here's the part that stumps me. COAs and COTs are welcome. If you know what they are, I bet you can get the job. Oh, and you have to fax your resume. You can't just walk in and apply. That's old-fashioned, even on the North Fork.

Guess you feel much better now. There's a job for you on the North Fork, for sure. Let me know if I've helped you. It's quite possible I'll start a business of my own right here in Cutchogue. I'm thinking employment agency.