Dan's Papers - August 22, 2008 - Garbage Can Philosophy

I live on the side of a hill overlooking Three Mile Harbor. You drive up Three Mile Harbor Road and there I am on the right, across from the water, with a narrow asphalt driveway that goes up the hill, passes the house on the side, and then dead-ends around the back of the house into a parking lot. As the front door to the house is along the side where you drive up, there is a brick walkway going both to the driveway and to the parking area.

There is nothing particularly unusual about this. Until about four years ago, we had a wooden enclosure around the back of the house in which you could snugly fit three large plastic garbage cans. The enclosure had a lid. Twice a week, a truck would come up the hill and a garbage man would hop out, open the bin, take out the cans and empty them into the big maw that was at the back of the truck. Then he would drive off.

During that time, our garbage company, which had its offices in Springs, was Stanley and Son. They were nice people. I'd call them for a special pickup once in a while. They'd bill me. I'd write a check.

About six years ago, a company called Winter Services from Bay Shore threatened to come in and compete with our local guys. Stanley made a big stink about it, got articles in the local paper and sent out press releases. They urged us to keep using them and said that there were rumors Winter had mob connections. We wouldn't want that. And surely, we didn't.

Winter lost that fight. But then, a year later, we got a letter that Stanley was now a branch of Winter, and so we should get used to the new name, but nothing else would change. Winter would still have the office at the same location in Springs where Stanley was before. You'd probably even get the same people when you called.

There was no further mention of the mob.

In any case, the Winter service included, without additional charge, a really nice, very large rectangular plastic garbage can, as big as all three of my smaller cans put together, made for garbage pickups. They brought one by for us to look at. It was green, about four feet high and two feet square. The lid, on a hinge, closed with a nice thud. Where it met the ground on one side there were tiny legs. Where it met the ground on other side, there were little wheels. At the top of the side with the wheels, there was a handle. It was a pull can. What a great idea!

Since there was no charge for this we tried it out, and it was most excellent. We soon tore down our smelly wooden garbage enclosure with the smaller cans in it. This would work very well. Hooray for Winter!

Now, I did wonder where exactly I ought to put this big garbage can. I didn't want people getting out of their cars to see it behind the house. And I didn't want them seeing it along the driveway going up the hill. And of course I didn't want to have it down at the bottom of the hill. Who wants to carry plastic garbage bags all the way down a steep driveway?

There is a low white stucco wall, about two feet high, that runs along the far side of the driveway all the way up to our garage at the back of the parking area. I decided that along this wall up by the garage would be the best place for it. It would be out of the way. It did mean that on the occasions when cars in the driveway blocked the garbage man's truck, he'd have to park down below and navigate his way through those cars to get to it, but I figured he did that anyway when we had the wooden bin.

And that, I thought, was about all I would be thinking about this situation. I do have a busy life, after all.

As time went by, however, I noticed a strange thing. It was one thing to drag the cans down the hill past the cars when we had the wooden bin and there was no choice in the matter. With the new situation. the garbage man was surely wondering, "Why, when the garbage can is on wheels, do I have to navigate through all the cars to get the garbage? Why don't they leave it down the hill a bit?"

I never spoke to the garbage man about this - though I do recall on a rainy morning near Christmas one year coming upon him, a soaking wet fellow who did not speak English, and I, in the spirit of the season, gave him 20 bucks, thus sharing a nod and smile with him. But we never spoke about this situation.

What I did notice, however, was creep. The garbage would be picked up every Tuesday and Friday. And each time during the first few weeks, I noticed that when the garbage man left, the can was further downhill than where it had been when he arrived.

I'd put it back up top, of course. But after a while, either because I was feeling a little sorry for the guy, or because it was another thing to remember, or because it was indeed a little chore, I began to not do it.

It was certainly nothing to be calling Winter about. The guy had a hard enough job to do. And we were talking about him moving it maybe six feet.

When I gave up moving it back, however, the creep continued. The weeks went by. At the end of the first week, it was six feet from the garage, and the second week it was 10 feet from the garage, and the third week it was 15 feet from the garage.

Finally, it was 50 feet from the garage, which is just across the driveway from the front door. That wouldn't do. I moved it 15 feet further up. And so it stayed 15 feet further up for about a year.

It really didn't look all that bad, this garbage can up there, I decided.

But we're talking about a total of maybe four YEARS that this had been going on. And soon, with brazen audacity, the garbage man began once again to leave it further down the hill. So again, I brought it back up, not just halfway, but all the way this time, right up to the garage. It hadn't been that far up in years. This was punishment.

But then the creep began again. And finally, I decided, I don't know why, just to let it continue. The creep stopped just opposite the front door for a while, and I imagined the garbage man thinking, can I get away with this? Will he notice? And then, it began again. Now, it was heading further down the hill. Day by day, inch by inch. And I did nothing.

When it got to about 40 feet down the hill from opposite the front door, it stopped. And again it stayed there for a while. It was, indeed, a bit of an inconvenience for us, and the family asked me about it, but I told everybody that this was a scientific experiment I was conducting, and so just put up with it, and they did.

And then, it began to creep back UP the hill. I could hardly believe it. This was astounding!

It got up to the place opposite the front door in about a month, and then, in another month, it was back up there halfway to the garage. And there, finally, and once and for all, it stopped. That's it. It's been there ever since.

We have, the garbage man and I, made a sort of mutual, decorative, house-and-garden, Martha Stewart-inspired arrangement together.

Next week, I plan to tape an envelope with a 20-dollar bill inside to the the garbage bin with the word THANKS on the front.

I've also been considering buying a large 50-pound houseplant in a pot to place on the ground where the garbage bin is as a sort of door stop and "game over" indicator.