Dan's Papers - August 24, 2007 - Guy de Fraumeni's Hollywod In The Hamptons

A mallet pounding on a head! A stomach aflame! A demon stabbing someone's back! They're not from last week's movies. Nay, they're old time, black and white TV commercials like the one that asked, Do you suffer from tired blood?, then pushed a spurious remedy, "SERUTAN" (Nature's, spelled backwards. Honest). Well, today I ask, "Do you suffer from TMS, Tired Movie Syndrome?" You do. Then have I got a movie for you - Stardust. Spelled backwards it makes about as much sense as the movie itself - a light-hearted, romantic fantasy of nonsense but, gee, does it make you feel good! Placebo or not, it works. Like those commercials, I can go on to ask, "Have you been overly, lorded-over by the Lord of the Rings extravaganzas or sold too much Harry Pottery, touted to be of Ming Dynasty value?" If so, Stardust, without making demands of you, also has storybook magic.

Witches and spell casting abound, as do Peter O'Toole, Robert DeNiro, Ricky Gervais and, after a 5 year sojourn, Michelle Pfeiffer returns to the big screen with bristling-spikey performances in Hairspray and Stardust, sprinkling a lot of it along the way. Raging with Cruella de Vil fever, Ms. Pfeiffer at 49 years of age, takes witchery to new broomstick heights. Both sultry and sneering, she is the antagonist, Lamia, a 400-year-old crone (when in withering makeup) who needs a fresh pulsating heart to restore her youth (Serutan or Geritol not yet developed). The restorative heart arrives to fantastic land Stormhold as a shooting star that turns into a halo-glowing beauty, Yvaine, played uncomfortably by Claire Danes who persistently looks constipated. The falling star has a mystical ruby whose powers can give the sons of the dying Lord (O'Toole) the keys to the kingdom. It's a difficult task for them since the witches and everyone else want it. Soon, they are toast, mere B&W ghosts while, the romantic hero, Tristan, played by an Orlando Bloom'ish, Charlie Cox sallies forth to impress the local good looker, Victoria (Sienna Miller). She is a cold object of desire but he thinks his hot adolescent drive will defrost her if he can get her the "Ruby!"

The narrative for Stardust lingers for a while in Byzantine byways. Oh, there's a unicorn. Uh oh, another magical spell. Sorceress waves a wand, bam! He's a mouse. Soon, however, an irreverent Gen Y attitude skews the genre's formula and you think it is A Princess Bride revisited. It's there all right but Stardust is a different kettle of witches brew. Look closely and there's a subtle sexual political subplot of deft whimsy as four older women are the villains and the young protagonist is aided by his alien gal pal who has a lot of moxie. Also, assisting him is gay Captain Shakespeare. Your timbers will be shivered when you are accosted by Robert DeNiro as the cross dressing pirate. I think he took the term "fairy tale" too literally. He's a mincing buccaneer with a galleon flying in the air, similar to a Jules Verne contraption that is much less fanciful than its farcical pirate captain. He likes to dance the cancan to Offenbach's music, kicking high and raising his skirts to reveal his panties. Ooo la lah, I still don't know what to think of his audacious performance and if it was fortuitous for Tristan and Yvaine to land on his ship after being rocketed into the air.

The falling star Yvaine is gradually falling in love with Tristan but her irritability (remember?) keeps her from realizing it and she refuses to be an engagement present for the vain Victoria. Wouldn't you? I just wish Ms. Danes, as the spirit-charmed Yvaine, could have registered a bit of charm in the midst of this stupendous gamut of adventures - the chases, the swordfights, royal intrigue, plot twists as screwy and screwed up as its players. The graphic novel's author from which the story stems, Neil Gaiman, may also get lost in the enhancement by its director Matthew Vaughn and co-writer Jane Goldman, but simply lie back in your seat and let the stardust sail over you like pixie pink cotton candy. Sticky or not, it works hard to entertain you with its impressive amount of "stuff" - good, bad, indifferent, handsome, ugly, rich, gaudy, funny, sad, etc. Choose one or two, there's bound to be one to your liking. If not, you can go with the crowd to other movies. Stardust the movie does not have the appeal Hoagy Carmichael's Stardust has had as the most played popular song ever written. Maybe movie buffs are too loyal to A Princess Bride. I dunno.

Guy-Jean de Fraumeni is the producer/writer/director of award-winning European and American feature films. He has been a judge at Major Film and TV award competitions, including the Oscars, the Emmy's and various film festivals. Sarah Halsey assists him.