Dan's Papers - August 24, 2007 - Twentysomething...By David Lion Rattiner

Driving around in the Hamptons has become a lot more dangerous then it used to be - it's not because there is a lot of traffic, or because city people can't drive, or because there are illegal immigrants driving without licenses. No, we've had all that for years, but this year, we have gangs.

I'm talking about bicycle gangs. I'm talking about the overweight, spandex-wearing, helmet sporting, $2,000-bicycle-riding groups of guys who race down the streets of the Hamptons as if they were competing in the Tour De France.

The bike clans have hit the Hamptons in a big way this year. Every summer it is something different. One year, all you saw was idiots driving around with five hundred kayaks strapped to the top of their roofs. Another year, it was ridiculously-sized longboards and another year, it was guys on bicycles that were so low to the ground that they looked like they were sitting on chairs.

This year is the year of the Tour De Citiot. A year of grown men and women dressing up like Lance Armstrong, sitting on a bicycle seat the size of a carrot and parading through the streets wearing shirts that have DHL sponsor logos on them.

I'm all for a fitness craze. Lord knows, we all need to get outside more and enjoy the weather. I have no problems with joggers, or the women that jog with their babies in jogging strollers, or skateboarders, kayakers, or even idiot long boarders. But the other day, while driving to work, the Tour De Citiots got to me.

I want to make it clear that if you are a bike rider, you are totally fine in my book - because you are a cool person - but these other morons just look ridiculous. I was driving behind a pack of three guys, all dressed the same and all sporting beer bellies, sweating through their one-size-too-small spandex t-shirts, riding their bicycles directly in front of me, in the middle of the roadon Route 27 in Wainscott. They were hunched down in an athletic position, wearing sunglasses and gloves that exposed their fingers, going about ten miles an hour. Oooooooh, how impressive.

I slowed down and was fine. I've dealt with this before. "Live and let live" is what I say. Yay for the planet and nay for global warming. All I needed to do was zip around them and drive away. However, as I attempted to do this, one of them did the most audacious thing I have seen in a while. He stuck out his hand - without looking, mind you - in a very authoritative way, ordering me not to pass him on the left.

Who does this guy think he is?

Apparently, the guy didn't think it was a good idea for me to pass him because we were traveling on a double-yellow-lined road and since they were going so lightning fast, it might be dangerous. You have got to be kidding me.

I ignored his hand and maneuvered my car on the left-hand side of the road and drove next to him for a moment, made eye contact and shook my head as if I was disappointed in the human race. Then I got in front of him. I truly hoped that my look made this guy feel like a jerk. You know, if we were in the wild with no laws, I could have just run that guy's ass right over. And his little friends', too. But I chose not to.

Instead, I drove directly in front of them and slowed my car down to match their speed, but then dropped it down to eight miles an hour. I could see their heads start picking up like little chickens. "What's he doing? Is he messing with us? Huh? What's happening? I'm so confused!"

Yes, you idiot, I am messing with you because you are a ridiculous moron who just told me I couldn't pass you on the left because you are on an expensive bicycle.

When I started to sense that the Tour De Citiots wanted to pass ME on the left, so with authority, I stuck my hand out the window and indicated how I felt about them.