Dan's Papers - August 24, 2007 - Fearing Martha Stewart Will Steal The Town

Some residents up in Katonah, New York are raising money to file a lawsuit against Martha Stewart. They are afraid Martha, who has a house in Katonah, is going to steal their town.

Because Martha has a house in East Hampton - and what happens in Katonah might not necessarily stay in Katonah - I thought this situation was of some importance to the Town of East Hampton. East Hampton wasn't always named East Hampton. And I will get to that later.

The fact is, though, that Martha Stewart has filed papers to patent the name "Katonah." Her company has said that all she wants to do is have the exclusive rights to the name for use in her line of furniture, fabrics, linens, paint, hardware and some other stuff. The list is right there on their patent application for all to see, but the town residents are not so sure. The word going around at the Katonah Barber Shop and the Katonah Post Office is that she might be pulling a fast one. There are those that remember when a prominent Hollywood actress, Kim Basinger, bought an entire town eightteen years ago, stores and houses and all, and nearly bankrupted it before giving up on it ten years later.

There are also those who are familiar with the remarkable history of Katonah. Until 1890, the downtown village of Katonah was down in the Hudson Valley. But then, the State of New York bought Katonah in a condemnation proceeding and said they would deep-six it. They told the residents that the new Cross River Reservoir would flood the town in 1898, so you'd better get going. In 1896, the residents gave up fighting against the impending flooding and instead raised money privately to have the town moved. In 1897, the entire town - stores and houses and all about fifty buildings - was moved by horse and wagon to what would always be dry land up on the hillside. That place was named New Katonah. And after the old Katonah went underwater, they dropped the "New" in New Katonah.

The name "Katonah" is the name of the Indian Chief who originally sold the stretch of land that was to become Katonah - both old and new - to the white settlers. It's a nice name. And it sure seems like Martha likes it.

Katonah furniture - made in China, of course - has a nice ring to it. It sounds Midwestern, strong, Indian, dependable, traditional, like the name of a log cabin amidst tall trees somewhere up in the mountains.

I do not know what Katonah means in the Algonquin language. And trying to look it up on the Internet gets you nowhere. But the Indians were famous for naming people for their attributes. Running Deer. Thunderbird. Silly Fox. Maybe Katonah means "chief who sold our land for a song." I have no idea.

In any case, if it weren't Martha Stewart doing this, I suspect the residents of Katonah wouldn't be worrying too much about it. Pepperidge Farm has a cookie named Montauk. It's a pretty good cookie. And Montauk hasn't suffered any because of it, though they haven't benefited either. Local Montauk merchants pay the same wholesale price for bags of Pepperidge Farm Montauks as merchants in, say, Akron, Ohio do. There are no free cookies for Montauk, not even once in a while.

So what about Martha and East Hampton? Well, when the town was originally founded in 1648, the locals named it Maidstone because it reminded some of the settlers of a town in England by that name. Then, in 1682, the name of the place was changed to East Hampton.

My personal opinion is that East Hampton is safe from Martha Stewart. East Hampton kind of ties in pretty good with Bridgehampton, Hampton Bays, Southampton and Westhampton. So if you wanted East Hampton, you'd have to take the lot. And us Hamptoners would put up a stiff fight. Worst case, the locals might have to settle for losing Quogue or someplace else pretty small just to shake the lawsuit.

Still, nobody has gone to the trouble of patenting the name Hamptons. And maybe the problem is, what happens if Martha gets tired of Katonah? Sheets and pillow sales are falling. The furniture line has declared bankruptcy. Only the paint line is holding steady. So, Martha pulls the plug.

And the sign people come in and tell the Katonians that, from now on, their little village is to be named Meatball. She holds the patent on the place. She is starting an Italian foods line and her marketing people say Meatball hits the spot. What she really likes is the LOOK of the village of Katonah, er, Meatball. A picture of the stores downtown all in a little row, done up in old fashioned pen and ink, THAT'S what the marketing people tell her the few remaining customers are still in love with.

So, it'll be the same drawing of downtown. Only they'll call it Meatball. And all the store names using Katonah have to change. She's already made a deal with the Postal Service. It's done.

Really it could be a nightmare. Did you know there is a Dinkytown, Minnesota? A Lick Fork, Virginia? A Smileyberg, Kansas? A Monkey's Eyebrow, Kentucky?