Dan's Papers - August 17, 2007 - Horrendous Traffic

My dentist is in Mattituck, New York. Though it is just fifteen miles from the Hamptons as the crow flies, to drive there from the Hamptons takes about an hour and fifteen minutes. I have to take two ferry rides -- one from Sag Harbor to Shelter Island, the other from Shelter Island to Greenport -- then drive half an hour down the two lane road that passes through all of the little villages on the North Fork to go to Dr. Boukas' office across from the Mattituck High School.

We're friends. He's a good dentist. And both he and his assistant like to talk while they work.

"So, what's new on the South Fork?" he asks as I settle into the chair.

"Yes. And the traffic is worse than ever. Terrible. Very busy."

"Traffic is terrible here too," his assistant says.

What I imagine, as I lean back in the chair and they start putting cotton in my mouth, is what we have on the South Fork -- bumper to bumper traffic jams. No place to park. Shortcuts so jammed up they're actually longcuts. And fifteen minutes wait to make a left turn onto the Montauk Highway.

"We've got crazy drivers," the assistant says, sort of confirming my assumption. "It's worse than ever. The other day, finally, I saw a police officer ticket one of these people who park the wrong way on the street. They face right into traffic. I don't know how they do that."

"They do the three-point parking, but facing the other way," Dr. Boukas said. "Like a K turn."

"You wouldn't believe it," the assistant said.

With my mouth full of cotton, I am not able to speak. But I can listen.

"And they have no respect for crosswalks or the people in them," the assistant continued. "They just roar right through. There are supposed to be laws about that."

In the Hamptons, everybody respects crosswalks. There's no need not too. There's no place to go.

I was there because Dr. Boukas had to replace a crown that had fallen off one of my molars. He positioned it. It was snug.

"Did you hear about the steer that got loose?" the assistant asked.

I shook my head. "Mmmnf," I said.

"It was out there for a week. Every day, people would see it moseying across the road. Then, by the time the cops would get there, he'd be gone. Big traffic tie ups when that steer came out. But finally, they rounded up."

Dr. Boukas took the cotton out.

"Sometimes," I said, "traffic backs up on a back road when the valet parkers stop the cars in the middle of the road at the fundraisers."

"You have VALET parkers?"

"Sometimes. We can get traffic jams two miles long from valet parkers."

"Our problem is people speeding -- getting them to slow down," Dr. Boukas said.

"The people in East Marion are up in arms about it," the assistant said. "People just race to get to the ferry in Orient on time."

"Can't wait to go gambling," Dr. Boukas said.

"What about parking?" I asked. "Are there enough places to park downtown?"

"Oh, sure. You just park right in front of where you want to go."

"Wow," I said. "In the Hamptons, sometimes, you drive into town and there's no place to park. So, you turn around, drive home and try later."

"It can't be that bad," Dr. Boukas said.

"Sometimes parking gets tight at the post office," the assistant said. "They're in the center of towns. But most people are just going in to get their mail and come right back out, so things open up pretty quick."

The cotton went back in.

"I'll have you out of here in another minute," Dr. Boukas said.

Everything is so different up on the North Fork. It's another world. Driving over to the North Fork and then down the main road, I noted very few expensive automobiles. In fact, there were very few automobiles at all, at least compared with the South Fork. Of course, it was very early in the morning. So I thought it would get busier later in the day.

I was driving along at a pretty good clip with Fords and Hundais, pickup trucks, Honda Civics and Dodge Vans. At one point, somebody in a Jeep behind me started honking at me for going too slow. He wanted to pass, but to do so I would have to pull over onto the shoulder because there was just the two lanes, one lane going one way and the other lane going the other.

It occurred to me that he might get angry. So I pulled over and he did pass.

Nobody honks on the South Fork. Nobody is in a hurry to get anywhere -- not because they don't want to get there, but because they can't get there any faster than a slow crawl -- and also because their expensive vehicles are just so enjoyable. There are 200 channels of Satellite Radio, navigation systems that talk to you, adjustable club chairs with lumbar support, DVD players and enough cup holders to handle a small picnic. You sit there in traffic with the engine humming happily. The only downside, if you can call it that, is that everything takes longer. But you can listen to three stand up comedians. The kids get to see a whole movie, almost.

Dr. Boukas looked at his assistant. "Tell him about the packs of motorcycle riders that come through with such a racket," he said.