Police Blotter

Wrong House

A man from Bridgehampton waited outside of his girlfriend's house in a drunken state. He fell asleep standing up. When the man sobered up, he realized that he fell asleep while standing up outside of a house that did not belong to his girlfriend, but to a very frightened family. He apologized, but was still arrested for criminal trespassing and mischief.

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Gnome

A homeowner in Quogue reported to police that a cement lawn ornament was thrown through her window. Police are investigating the incident to rule out that the lawn ornament was actually just a gnome who had lost his way while on his vacation.

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Spoon

A man in East Hampton reported that he was hit with a fork while he was walking down the beach. The man believes that somebody sitting on the beach threw the fork at him, but he did not know who it was. He was upset about the incident and is reportedly very, "forking angry" that something like this could happen.

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Stealing From Cars

A man in Southampton was caught stealing from parked cars. Police received a call from a witness who gave a description of the man robbing the cars and police caught up with him. Unfortunately for him, there was nothing to steal while he was locked inside the back of a squad car.

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Shot In The Butt

A man whose name is not Forrest Gump was shot directly in the buttocks in Riverhead. The man was shot with a .22 caliber rifle after an argument. Police did not know the details of the argument. While the man is in stable condition, he's having a difficult time sitting. Police found the incident to be quite cheeky. The butt shooter was promptly arrested by police.

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Stealing Beach Stickers

A 16-year-old boy in Southampton was caught stealing a non-resident beach parking permit from a parked car and also stole $200 from the cash box at Flying Point Beach. The boy was charged with petit larceny and will be charged with a misdemeanor. We all hope it was worth it.

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Stolen Sunglasses

An employee of a sunglasses store in Bridgehampton told police that somebody stole a pair of $120 sunglasses. Police are investigating the incident.

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Gorilla

People reported a gorilla running through the streets of East Hampton Town, but later figured out that it was just a man dressed up like a gorilla for a marketing stunt. Hunters that were called in from Africa to track down the gorilla were sent back.

- Compiled and Written By David Lion Rattiner

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