Dan's Papers - August 8, 2008 - Can't We All Start Giving Rebates?

Got yours yet? Good. Mine came last week and I plan to go out and do wild things, spread around good cheer, live like there's no tomorrow. And nothing immoral or illegal about it. I'll just be spending my federal stimulus rebate check.

Actually, since the federal government makes those crisp green bills, I don't know why it just doesn't make more and send us some a couple of times every year. Like when I was a kid and my Uncle Paddy gave me a quarter every time he visited. I could get a couple of Superman comic books and still have change in my pocket. Now that's stimulus.

Lots of other businesses make stuff just like the federal government makes money. Why can't those businesses give away their products, too? After all, if the government can send us several hundred dollars, couldn't some big companies send us bags of fertilizer each spring or a gift of new boots each winter? Think of all the stimulation. Isn't that what our government wants?

Now North Fork people generally work pretty hard for what they acquire. They're not used to looking for a handout, not by a long shot. But they're shrewd people, too. If a company's giving away what we can use, we'll take it. I found lots of examples of this practical philosophy.

Consider my husband. Some of the best hours of his life are spent in lumberyards. He buys wood for various projects he's working on and he also purchases "just-in-case" wood. That's the wood you pile up in the garage for projects you haven't even thought of yet. Now if a certain Mattituck lumberyard just delivered no-cost wood to North Fork driveways, like the government delivers money to our mailboxes, there'd be lots of happy woodworkers around. And maybe projects would be completed because the carpenter would be working rather than poking around a lumberyard a couple of times a week.

And I know for a fact that Jane Minerva would like a rebate or two from some company making glass jars with tight-fitting tops. This Cutchogue woman is always in a jam. (And it's not because of all her work on town projects.) No, Jane is a jelly-jam maker whose fame as such has spread all over the North Fork. It's your birthday? Not feeling well? New to the neighborhood? Jane's blueberry, raspberry, huckleberry, or anyberry creations appear on your doorstep.

Trouble is, Jane has to bottle all the bubbling berries on her stove. She searches thrift shops for jars and in desperation even buys them brand new. Sometimes recipients of Jane's jam return empty jars, but not always. So here's how some bottle-making company could make Jane happy. A rebate, each berry season, of state-of-the-art jars.

Now in Southold there's a young guy who works at a Ford dealership. Tim MacDonald is his name and he lives in Riverhead. He's gotta drive to work, right? So why can't Ford Motors send Tim a rebate car every year? Just once a year doesn't seem excessive. And Tim wouldn't be picky - blue or green or grey, it doesn't matter. Each autumn, when new cars come out, Tim would get his rebate car and pass on his year-old car to some deserving 18-year-old who promises to drive it to college only. A win-win situation.

Finally, Chris Wruck who lives in Southold. She has a houseful of healthy cats - Rose, Emma, Abby, Charlemagne, Jane, Arriana - and Chris feeds 'em only the best. But that's expensive. Chris said she'd be delighted with a once-a-month FedEx delivery of a cat food rebate. The cats would grow bigger and Chris would have more money to litter around the North Fork. Thus doing her patriotic duty.

Well, I do hope you've found a way to spend your rebate check. Who knows when another will come our way. Until such time, you might want to start on a woodworking project, pet a cat, or just sit and relax with a cup of coffee, an English muffin and a jar of Jane's jam. Ahh!