Dan's Papers - August 10, 2007

As we are just one week away from the 2008 presidential elections, it might be a good idea to look back at the extraordinary events of this past year. What a time this has been. And who in their wildest dreams could have imagined all that has happened, particularly to the State of New York?

The primaries came. And the Democrats selected Hillary Clinton for President and Michael Bloomberg for Vice President. Then the Republicans selected Rudolph Giuliani for President and Eliot Spitzer for Vice President.

Oh, how the howls of protest went up from the losing hopefuls. It was illegal to have Presidential and Vice Presidential nominees from the same State. And double illegal to have them from both parties. But the primaries had produced such resounding victories for these four that they simply could not be denied. So the United States Congress quickly voted this minor change to the law, passing the measure and then overriding President Bush's inevitable veto just hours before the conventions.

One week from today, when the election is over and the winners are known, both slates have agreed that if not successful the losers will immediately return to New York State to attend to the collapse that has occurred there.

Without its leaders, that state has experienced arson, gangs roaming the streets, an epidemic of bank robberies, a virtual crime wave of stickups, a whole series of sporadic power outages, union walkouts and gunfights. The lawns in the parks in Manhattan haven't been mowed in months. Garbage has not been picked up in Syracuse in ten weeks. Most of the manhole covers that blew off in the propane gas explosion underground in Brooklyn one month ago still have not been found.

And who can forget the crowds of illegal immigrants demanding to be let into the armories in Manhattan for protection? Or the night when an organized group of vandals removed the street signs from all the poles in the City of Buffalo? Who can forget the mafia thugs who threw the Borough President of Staten Island out onto the street, shot him and then put his feet in cement and dropped him in the Kill Van Kull? And who can forget the unexpected flea infestation in the Hamptons?

"There is work to be done there," Hillary said, "that's for sure, but if I read the polls right, it will not have to be done by me."

"My work has long been completed in New York," Guiliani said, "and my focus is now on winning. At the moment, I'm putting together my cabinet. In two weeks, if I have to, I will go back and clean up New York. But one thing at a time." "I feel terrible," said Bloomberg.

Spitzer was too busy touring with his rock band to comment. Who could have predicted that this triumphant tour would produce the stunning total of seven number one hits in just two months and so completely and instantly restore his flagging political reputation?

Only one thing is sure at this point. The future of this nation is to rest squarely on the shoulders of some of the former leaders of the State of New York, and as soon to be outgoing Vice President Cheney himself said the other day, "after November, when things go wrong, at least we'll know exactly which state to blame."