Dan's Papers - August 1, 2008 - Second Home Owners from Massachusetts Mad as Hell

Forget what I said about it being quiet around here. It cranked up again last weekend, but good. There were so many cars on the Island that if you needed a baguette from the IGA, you had to park at the high school and walk from there. And, of course, when you got inside, there weren't any baguettes left, anyway. They're the first thing to go.

The ferry traffic was beyond belief - full boats in both directions, onto and off of the Island, and don't ask what that second part is all about. You'd expect them to be arriving on a Friday, and they were, but leaving, too, in equal numbers. Now, don't get me wrong, I never complain when I see somebody leaving. But it makes you wonder. It may have something to do with Americans exercising their "constitutional right to travel." More about that notion later.

On Friday afternoon and evening we had all three big boats running. These babies take two dozen cars at a time - maybe a few less if they're all Range Rovers - but we were barely keeping up with it. And, if you looked at the license plates, you'd have seen an interesting phenomenon unfolding. On one trip I counted no less than 16 cars with Massachusetts plates. The rest were from Connecticut, New Hampshire, Maine...I think there was even one from Nova Scotia. But they were mostly, inexplicably, undeniably, from Massachusetts.

So, I have a theory that may explain the exodus in the other direction that was occurring simultaneously. Some clever Long Islanders have figured out that most of the population of Massachusetts is coming here every weekend, leaving the beleaguered beaches of Cape Cod pristine again. So, when the weekly tidal wave of humanity begins washing south from New England, they all just head north. Makes as much sense as anything else in the way of an explanation.

Privileged though they may seem compared to some other migrant groups, the gallivanting residents of Massachusetts have an axe to grind too, although it may not have occurred to them until a lawyer brought it to their attention. When the Cross Sound Ferry sued East Hampton Town for refusing to let them build a terminal there, the ferry company's lawyers went the "discrimination" route. East Hampton was cramping the style of New England's footloose population by impinging on their "constitutional right to travel." What we had here, believe it or not, were yet more victims of discrimination.

Southold and Shelter Island were partners in that suit, claiming that East Hampton's stiff-necked refusal to cooperate was forcing New Englanders to drive from Cross Sound Ferry's terminal at Orient Point, take Shelter Island's North Ferry, drive all the way across the Island, take the South Ferry to North Haven, and then drive on again into the night from there, belching exhaust fumes and indignation all the way. The judges didn't buy any of it that time around, but there's, no doubt, lots more litigation where that came from.

There's a fascinating side effect of this Massachusetts thing, which, unless you're actually from there, you have to see for yourself to believe. If you are - from Massachusetts, that is - you already know what I'm talking about. I've been watching it for a couple of years now and I'm only just beginning to figure it out. It goes like this:

When we let cars off the ferry, we follow a certain routine designed to avoid having them drive into the water or into one another or, much worse, run one of us over. Most people follow instructions, even the ones from New Jersey. But, nine out of 10 cars with Massachusetts plates will not wait for a hand signal but gun their engines and come at you, unbidden. You can do one of two things when this happens: jump out of the way, or jump in front of them and hope they stop in time. While you're doing one or the other, there are three more Massachusetts cars already in unauthorized motion on deck, jockeying for position. I'm not making this up or even exaggerating the frequency of it. It happens pretty much every time.

Now, you could theorize that something has gotten into the water in Massachusetts. Or, we may just have here a guy who, having bought a wildly overpriced second home five hours away from his first one, isn't about to be discommoded any further by some jerk standing in front of his car. You could go that way, but it would be insensitive. I'd rather think that he's another justly aggrieved victim of discrimination. And, as if that weren't enough to get anybody's goat, this man has just driven a couple of hundred miles in a car that gets 10 to the gallon with a backseat full of female toddlers, and his wife's been talking on her cell phone the whole way. Never mind that he's dropped an easy hundred bucks on ferry fares, lunch was another $45 (and that was McDonalds's), and have you seen the price of gummi worms lately? Can you blame him if he's a little antsy?

Because the burden of proof is on us more than ever, lately, to show that we are non-discriminatory, I've started a grassroots movement called COMRADE (Citizens Of Massachusetts Reject All Discrimination Energetically), to try and atone for some of the shamelessly unfair treatment these people have been receiving. I'll be running the organization from a rented office in Boston so, if you should spot me in that long line of cars curiously leaving the Island on a Friday night, you'll know where I'm headed. See you on the ferry.