Dan's Papers - August 3, 2007 - Twentysomething...By David Lion Rattiner

If you didn't see it last week, you can probably catch a rerun of VH1's "The Fabulous Life: Hamptons" this week. The show was a thirty-minute tribute to the rich and the famous people who live and play out here in the Hamptons. If you are like me, you felt disgusted with yourself as you watched -- with great interest -- as VH1 glorified gluttony, the likes of which most of the well-to-dos out here are secretly ashamed of.

I watched with a sense of shameful pride as VH1 pointed out how Ira Rennert's house is ridiculously big and all of his neighbors think he's a big A#$%!#$ for building such a big house. I watched as PR people were interviewed and described some of the sensational parties. "Parties can range from $300 per person to $7,000 per person," she said.

I watched with great interest as the show detailed the real estate transactions that Howard Stern has made over the years and also how fascinatingly hot Christie Brinkley is.

I also watched as Hamptons regulars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are always hanging out here...

Brad Pitt? Angelina Jolie? I've never heard that one before. I hit the rewind button on my Tivo and watched again as the announcer said, clearly, that Brad Pitt heads out to the Hamptons all the time.

I don't mean to be the know-it-all in the room, but there is no way in hell that Brad Pitt has ever set foot in the Hamptons. I don't know this because I am some sort of celebrity stalker, or because I just know all of this kind of stuff because I work in the media. It is actually pretty easy to find out if Brad Pitt or Angelina has ever been out in the Hamptons before. All you have to do is walk into a room of women some place east of the Shinnecock Canal and say, "Has Brad Pitt ever been out here?" and a wave of triumphant, sexually driven, gossip-knowing, fire-breathing women will all yell at the top of their lungs, "Brad Pitt? I've never heard of him being out here before, ever!" And then, for the next half hour, you will listen to them talk about every single movie that Brad Pitt has ever been in and how Angelina is totally not right for him and that he should probably date a regular gal from the Hamptons.

If you want to find out if Angelina Jolie has ever been here before, you simply do the same thing but with a room full of pathetically horny, sexually-driven, football and Victoria's-Secret-model-loving men who will say, "I don't really know," and then be followed by the Brad-loving women, "I don't think she's ever been here. She's always in other countries doing charitable things with orphans, she is totally not good enough for Brad. It is so ridiculous."

And then, I watched in terror as the nightclub Stereo by The Shore in Southampton was mentioned as a great party spot in 2006, when they didn't even open until this summer.

I have to say, as an editor here at Dan's Papers, it was kind of nice to be pointing out mistakes in other media besides this one.

When the show ended, I sat back and reviewed my life and how everybody must be sooooo jealous of me, living my fabulous life in the Hamptons. I then got up off of the couch, headed out the door and stared proudly out at my Honda Civic parked in the driveway while standing on the deck of my oh so sweet trailer, I mean, condo, out at Ditch Plains in Montauk.