Dan's Papers - August 3, 2007 - Evacuation Cancelled

Southampton Village is breathing a little easier this morning. The planned evacuation of the downtown area has been cancelled.

As everyone knows by now, the nest of a Piping Plover family was found in the grass next to one of the Revolutionary War cannons in Monument Square last week. These birds, which are almost always found nesting on the beach, are an endangered species that have never before ventured off the shoreline. Down at the beaches, plover nests are fenced off with snow fencing, the beaches are closed and enormous fines are inflicted on anyone who is found going within a thousand yards of these cute little shore birds.

When the nest in Monument Square was found last Tuesday, an advance group of interns from the Environmental Protection Agency were choppered in to investigate the situation. They roped off Monument Square and were here for two days drawing maps and making measurements to indicate how much of downtown would have to be evacuated. It appeared it would be all of it. They closed off Monument Square with yellow crime tape. But they did nothing further.

On Friday, Woody Forrest III, the head of the EPA, New York State region, was scheduled to fly down from Albany to announce the evacuation. But a court appearance held that day -- he is under indictment for supposedly embezzling funds from the EPA -- was postponed until Monday morning, so he stayed there, planning to come down on Monday afternoon.

On Monday afternoon, however, his Cavalier Jet ran into a flock of pigeons as it took off from Albany International and, crippled from the pigeons clogging the engine intakes, had to circle around to make an emergency landing from where it had taken off. And so he was only able to come down here today, Tuesday.

In the meantime, people downtown, particularly the merchants and those in the Chamber of Commerce, were hysterical. An emergency meeting of the Chamber of Commerce on Thursday resulted in a widely-announced, townwide 10% off sale.

SHOP DOWNTOWN SOUTHAMPTON
THIS COULD BE YOUR LAST WEEK
EVERYTHING IS 10% OFF

Visit the Piping Plovers from Behind the Crime Tape

Finally, Tuesday morning, Mr. Forrest arrived at East Hampton Airport where he was met by the Mayor of Southampton, the Director of the Southampton Chamber of Commerce and several local environmentalists, who then accompanied him by car to Monument Square.

The Village held its collective breath on Tuesday evening while Mr. Forrest held further consultations. And then, at 10 a.m., Wednesday morning, he held a press conference in Agawam Park by the war memorial there, attended by more than one thousand people and broadcast live over all local TV and radio stations.

"I will get right to the point," he said. "There will be no evacuation of downtown Southampton. A close examination of these creatures -- done from afar, by binoculars, of course -- explains why they have made their nest in Southampton's Monument Square.

"They are not Piping Plovers. The Piping Plovers have a single black band around their necks. These birds have two bands, one thick and quite visible, almost exactly like the ones on our Piping Plovers, but then a narrow one, barely visible, just next to the first one.

"These are Pooping Plovers. They are native to Nigeria and have never before been seen here in America. In Nigeria, they are a filthy infestation. They thrive in downtown areas where they scavenge for garbage and trash. They breed all sorts of diseases. And they are a scourge on any community they claw their way into. They also bite. Usually, they are destroyed as soon as they are found. "So I should say, from the minute I end this speech until we wind things up here, you should keep your children away from Monument Square."

There was a rustling amidst the crowd as many people turned to look toward Monument Square, which is right across the street from Agawam Park. Why was this press conference being held in Agawam Park? There they were, two adults and three teenaged plovers, glaring with their little, beady red eyes right back at everybody.

"I want to reassure everyone that, as near as we can tell, this is the only pair of Pooping Plovers that have made their way across the Atlantic to our shores. Of course, they could not get across on their own. So as soon as we were sure of what we had here, we made an immediate investigation of how they got here. And with the Village Police working with the FBI, the Department of Immigration, the State Police, the County Health Services, FEMA, the CIA and the New York Longshoreman's Organization in Brooklyn, we have learned that these two plovers came here aboard a large freighter loaded with 100,000 cases of Perrier that disembarked from Marseille nine days ago. The crew treated them as pets. Big mistake. Two of the crew members were hospitalized on Sunday when the unloading of all this Perrier Water in Brooklyn upset the birds, who then attacked the crew and flew off, apparently here to Southampton.

"Immediately after the conclusion of this announcement, in addition to the fact we don't want the children here, we will ask all of the adults to clear this area for one hour as we proceed to dispose of these despicable plovers and all the candy wrappers, potato chip wrappers, beer cans and the horrendously smelly bodily excretions -- I have no idea how you people could have allowed this -- that, if left for a few more days could lead to the spread of disease.

"Thank you all. I will take no questions. I am off to an important court case I must be at this afternoon in Albany. Good bye."

After the speech, citizens raced in every direction away from Agawam Park and Monument Square, some of them swimming across Lake Agawam to Meadow Lane. Soon thereafter, National Guard troops, who had apparently been mustering in the Southampton Cultural Center, appeared in the doorway of that building with flame throwers to advance cautiously upon Monument Square.

After that, well, it is just too awful to describe, so I won't. As a matter of fact, we were hustled away from the action and really can't report on it at all. But we were told by the soldiers later that the Pooping Plovers were not harmed, particularly the babies and are, instead, being returned to Lagos, Nigeria, from whence they had come, before arriving in an empty freighter in Marseille to load up with the Perrier. They are to be dropped on that city by parachute.

We have been told that no crewmen, longshoremen, bottles of Perrier or anybody else who might have been on that dock in Brooklyn has ever come to Southampton. Nor will they for at least six months.

There is a report that a man flying a private Cessna a week ago saw them in the air over Farmingdale, Long Island on his way to JFK. After landing, he reportedly broke out in a rash.