Diary

These Things I Did Last Month at Six Beaches in the Hamptons

By Dan Rattiner

SOUTHAMPTON VILLAGE ROAD D BEACH ORDINANCES

• No Operating Vehicles (May 15 to September 15)
• No Surfcasting (May 15 to September 15)
• No Launching of Powerboats (May 15 to September 15)
• No Surfboarding (except in designated areas)
• No Overnight Camping
• No Bonfires
• No Erection of Tents or Other Structures
• No Playing Hardball
• No Littering
• No Unleashed Animals
• No Nudity

So the other morning, I packed a tent in my Dodge Ram, threw in some sheetrock and two-by-fours, bungeed my surfcasting pole and my surfboard to the roof, hitched up my powerboat on the back, grabbed a bat and ball, some firewood and lunch in a paper bag, told my dog and my snake to hop in the front, took off all my clothes, put my key in the ignition and fired her up.

Thirty minutes later, I put the Ram in four-wheel-drive, bumped off the pavement and out onto the Road D beach in Southampton Village, and headed east down the sand.

Soon I found a place I liked directly in front of the Southampton Bathing Association, and so, still naked, I got out of my truck, let the dog and snake out, unhitched the Chris-Craft and got her ready to launch, put some bait on a hook and cast the line out into the waves, put up the tent so I could sleep in it overnight at the end of the day, built a bonfire and took down the surfboard, and went out surfing for an hour. When I got back the snake was hissing and the dog was barking because they were so hungry, so I lit the bonfire, unwrapped some steaks, tossed the butcher paper and the empty bag onto the sand, threw the steaks on the bonfire above the firewood, lit the bonfire, then played hardball for a couple of innings with some kids I met and talked them into helping me launch the boat. After that, I had them assist me in building a garage for my truck there on the beach out of the plywood and sheetrock.

As we were doing that, a police officer came over. He said that my truck didn't have a beach driving sticker, I should get some clothes on, put out the bonfire, and round up the snake and the dog who were annoying another couple nearby. Then he issued me a warning and told me not to do this next time. I told him I surely wouldn't. Then he walked away.

TOWN OF SOUTHAMPTON ACCESS ROAD L BEACH ORDINANCES

• No Household Garbage
• No Solicitations
• No Handbills
• No Alcoholic Beverages
• No Litter
• No Graffiti
• No Unsupervised Children
• No Unauthorized Food Concessions
• No Caterers
• No Amplified Music
• No Animal Waste Left on the Beach
• No Driving on the Dunes
• No ATVs
• No Driving Over 10 mph

The next day, I herded my kids into my camper bus, loaded up some beer, handbills, dog poop and bags of garbage, called up my food concession people and told them where I'd be (which was a beach in Tiana), hitched up my ATV on the back and then drove over the dunes at 40 miles an hour to park down by the surf break.

We all jumped out of the car, the kids running around unsupervised, the music way up loud, and I hopped into my ATV to do a few wheelies. When I got tired, I turned the music up louder, sprinkled the dog poop out onto the sand to the east and the household garbage to the west, put together some sandwiches and went off to people sitting around alongside of us, soliciting and giving out handbills.

The caterers arrived, set up a concession, and when I saw the police coming over, I packed up everything, threw the kids in the back and hightailed it out of there.

LONG BEACH, SAG HARBOR BEACH ORDINANCES

• Park Opens at 9:30 a.m.
• Parking by Permit May 1 to June 30, When Attendant is On Duty
• July 1 to Labor Day 9 a.m. to 6 p.m.
• Parking Fee $25 Residents
• No Refunds
• No Parking 9 p.m. to 6 a.m. Without Special Facilities Use Permit
• No Alcoholic Beverages
• No Glass Containers
• No Bonfires
• No Household Garbage
• No Construction Debris
• No Littering
• No Unsupervised Children
• No Unauthorized Caterers
• No Unauthorized Food
• BEACH DRIVING RULES
• Permit Required
• Speed Limit 10 mph
• Stay Off Dunes and Beach Grass
• No ATVs
• Vehicles Prohibited from May 15 to September 15

So I loaded up the unauthorized food and the unsupervised caterers and the unauthorized children into the back of the ATV, securing everybody and everything with ropes next to the construction debris, and, hitching it up to the back of my new Toyota Tundra, headed out for Long Beach.

At the little beach booth with the "NO REFUNDS" sign on it, I gave the attendant $25, demanded a refund, and when she didn't give it to me, roared off and into the parking lot, over the dunes, paying particular attention to flattening the beach grass, and then went out onto the beach. Here I built a bonfire, drank alcoholic beverages in glass containers and let the children run around wild for a while.

When a police officer came over, I told him to go around to the back of the Tundra to look at my expired beach sticker, and when he did, I pressed a button, and all the construction debris slid down and out of the flat bed and buried him.

Then I drove home.

EGYPT BEACH, EAST HAMPTON BEACH ORDINANCES

• Parking by EH Village Permit Only
• No Vehicles or Dogs on the Beach from 2nd Sunday in May to September 30, 9 a.m. to 6 p.m.
• This is NOT a Bathing Beach
• Owners Must Clean Up After Their Dogs
• Deposit Litter in Receptacles
• Protect the Dunes and Bird Nesting Areas
• Considerate Citizens Pick Up After Their Pets. It's the Law
• No Parking from Here to Beach Road

On the first Monday after the 2nd Sunday in May, at 9:01, I arrived at Egypt Beach with the sticker properly displayed in the window of my Mercedes, parked on the correct side of the "No Parking" sign, carefully stepped around the bird nesting areas and the beach grass, went up to the top of a dune and had a look down at the ocean. Nobody was there.

So I returned to my car, walked to the back where I had the big horse box trailer attached, opened it up and took out the camel. Then I took off all my clothes, led the camel down to the beach, played Frisbee, turned up the boombox real loud and let the camel run around to get some exercise. Most of the day he is just all cooped up.

He loped around for a while, pooping everywhere, then ran in the ocean and splashed around until he got real tired. Then I led him back to the big horse box attached to the back of the Mercedes, and we drove home.

TWO MILE HOLLOW BEACH, EAST HAMPTON BEACH ORDINANCES

• No Pets, Dogs, Cats etc.
• No Alcoholic Beverages
• No Ball Playing and Kites Between Flags
• Protected Bathing Between Flags Only
• No Camping at Any Time

I threw some six packs of beer, a soccer ball, a baseball and bat, a football, a Frisbee, a basketball a bunch of flags on poles, a cooler filled with ice and Good Humor bars, Magic Markers and a blackboard and, with my tent strapped to the roof, drove on down to Two Mile Hollow.

There I marked off a big rectangle with my flags, erected my tent at one end, put on a referee's uniform and a chain necklace with a whistle around my neck, and dove into the ocean in the protected area by the lifeguards for a swim. Then I invited a whole lot of sunbathers by the lifeguard stand over to MY protected area, where we chose up teams and played a wide variety of beach games, including rugby, while I kept score in Magic Marker on the blackboards.

After it was all over, I gave out trophies that I had packed up inside the tent and, after all the six packs of beer were gone, sold Good Humor bars from the coolers.

INDIAN WELLS BEACH, AMAGANSETT BEACH ORDINANCES

• Parking by Town Permit Resident Only Ord 240-97.
• No Camping on the Beach Ord 91-4
• No Littering Punishable by Fines Ord 167-6
• Beach Vehicles Must Display Permit Ord 91-5-4
• Animals Permitted Only Beyond 500 Feet in West Direction, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Ord 91-5-b
• Control & Clean Up Your Animal Ord 91-4-L5

I loaded my 14 German Shepherds into the back of my Volvo station wagon, put into the front seat a tape measure, a tent, 20 paper bags of litter I'd collected on this beach the day before, 14 leashes, a shotgun, a folding chair and several water dishes, and headed down to Indian Wells Beach.

When I got there, I put all 14 dogs on their leashes, grabbed the tape measure, the garbage bags of litter and some other things, and marched down the beach to the west, carefully measuring the distance from the sign. When I got to exactly 149 feet from the sign, I sprinkled out all the litter in a big circle around me and the dogs, sat down in my beach chair with my shotgun, and let the German Shepherds loose.

Eventually, of course, a police officer came over. The first thing he asked me about was the bags of litter. I told him that I had specifically brought litter not punishable by fines. He looked at my shotgun, and at my German Shepherds, and as he took out his tape measure and began to measure, I ordered them to bare their teeth, which they did. So he left.

I love the Hamptons. I'm here on the ocean with my collection of 23 different cars, my camel, my snake, my various other pets, my Frisbees, construction debris, alcoholic beverages, dogs, cats, fishing gear, surfboards, dune buggies, litter, loud radios, unauthorized food, unsupervised children and caterers, and you ought to stop over sometime. We could go to the beach.

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