Dan's Papers - July 18, 2008 - Classic Cars By Bob Gelber

Several years ago I was issued a speeding ticket for doing 130 in an 80 mph speed zone. Before you start to think I'm a maniacal driver, let me explain. It was on the Belgium Autoroute and I thought that this Belgium super highway had no speed limit, just like the German Autobahn where I had just exited. Plus, I was driving one of the world's premiere high speed land transports, a German spec S Classe Mercedes sedan. This all brings me to explain Gelber's Theory of Relativity, "When going fast, the feeling of speed is relative to what type of machine you are in."

To simplify this statement, as an example, let me compare speed in a motorcycle to speed in that Mercedes 500 I was driving. One actually feels, sitting on top of a booming, vibrating motorcycle at sixty miles per hour, that he is going faster than that quiet and smooth Mercedes Autobahn master feels at one hundred and thirty. Don't get me wrong, of course I knew I was moving fast in the Benz, but it was the speedometer and other visual clues, certainly not wind noise. Of course I didn't try to explain my theory of relativity of speed to the officer, mainly because I didn't speak a word of Flemish!

To prove my case even further, the fastest machine made by man is the space shuttle. It's a real gas hog, but it produces so much horsepower it can break free of the earth's atmosphere and attain a top speed of about 18,000 miles per hour. However, I've yet to see any occupant of that vehicle exclaim how fast the thing felt. Every time you see pictures of the crew, they're usually floating around wearing shorts, doing all sorts of sophomoric antigravity tricks. All while going faster than Superman's "speeding bullet." Like the plush Mercedes 500, they are cocooned in their machine and their relative speed is not apparent.

Of course most have felt a similar version of this sensation while flying in a large passenger airliner at 35,000 feet, skimming through the atmosphere at 450 miles per hour. However, I've flown along a beach at 200 miles per hour in a small private plane, and because of the visual clues of the blurred landscape and the roar of the engine, you know you are going fast. But it doesn't feel as fast as that motorcycle at sixty. In fact, I've often felt that it's the cheap thrills of speed that one gets in a motorcycle that aids their popularity. There's simply no less expensive way to get the feeling of high speed than on a two wheeled machine.

There are certainly other ways of satisfying one's need for speed, at a much slower velocity. According to my theory of relativity, it only really matters about how cocooned one is when moving. A simple bicycle feels fast when you are pedaling your heart out at fifteen miles per hour. What about skiing? Whooshing down a steep mountain slope can be exhilarating. Add in some icy surface, and your speed can feel like a near death experience. For pure out- of -control speed thrills we can always go on a roller coaster, but that's cheating. If you really want to sense what is perhaps the ultimate un-cocooned feeling of speed, go to a little airport on Montauk Highway in Eastport. There, you can get a sky diving lesson. Then, you can jump out of a perfectly good airplane and free-fall before you open your parachute. I'm told you can reach a speed of about 125 miles per hour. This has to make a roller coaster ride feel like child's play.

I've always liked fast cars, fast airplanes, fast women and slow sailboats. But what is really fast anymore? My old lotus Super Seven felt fast mainly because it sat about two inches off the ground. I could actually put the palm of my hand on the pavement when sitting in the driver's seat. When even going slowly, the ground was in my peripheral vision, moving, undulating and always edging me on. That old Ferrari of mine was fast, but it felt useless here in America with its then archaic speed limits. I always felt I was on a race horse that was forced to pull a milk cart. The new breed of fast cars are capable of an intense speed that is useless on our regulated roads. The new Porsches, Lambos and Ferraris have reached a point of perfection that makes them feel almost robotic in their performance. They all have tremendous acceleration, which is certainly exhilarating, and thankfully not illegal, but at top speed they are so smooth, quiet and competent, a driver feels almost like a suited-up astronaut.

There is a glimmer of hope for our speedy automobile friends. With off the wall gasoline prices, the market is likely to yield lighter and smaller cars. They will most likely have smaller, higher revving engines for better fuel mileage. All this will translate to cars feeling faster as they buzz down the highways. Less speed that actually feels like more speed equals less traffic accidents and better fuel mileage. It's a win-win situation. This is all part of my theory of relativity. In the future, the only way most of us will really be able to drive fast is to borrow a rich relative's big, powerful gas consuming car.

Bob Gelber, an automotive journalist living in the Hamptons, appears regularly on television as an automotive expert. You can email him at bobgelber@aol.com