Dan's Papers - July 18, 2008 - Widow's Walks for Desperate Housewives (or Husbands)

Given the devaluation of the dollar, today's high-tech surveillance society uses information is the new currency. A choice spot for gleaning intelligence of seaside scandals, a widow's walk or captain's walk is a must have for the posh and privileged East Ender who has everything, including valuable waterfront property, but lacks a certain spark in his or her life. When entertaining friends or engaged in a little light summer espionage, the widow's walk is a functional architectural folly beyond compare. As my observant reader well knows, a widow's walk, a standard sight in any oceanfront community, is a railed, flat, rooftop gallery designed for observing ships at sea. If you're feeling a bit at sea, out of sorts, bored with yourself and your brats, and sick to death of your humdrum summer, the mere idea of a widow's walk, if not the designing and building thereof, may give you a whole new virtual vision!

Back in Long Island's fabled days in the sea trade, wives would scout for returning whaling ships from the observation post of a widow's walk. These lonely women on the watch were deemed "widows" because their husbands were gone for months at a time on whaling expeditions. Sometimes the men did not return from their dangerous, yet potentially lucrative, expeditions, leaving their wives as widows forever searching the horizon for the return of their vanished husbands, vanquished by the stormy seas. Not to be too morbid, nowadays, weekend "golf widows," abandoned by their sportive husbands, may abound in the Hamptons, as in other well-heeled communities. From your nest in a widow's walk, you could keep an eye on hubby's return from the links, even as you make merry with your hunky gardener. Just remember that your spouse may take over as captain of the roost when you're not around and gaze through a spyglass, ogling sandy-bottomed beach bunnies from the secluded haven of your rooftop, with the excuse of a newly-discovered yen for "bird-watching."

Obviously, while respecting the history and beauty of the window's walk, I suggest a rather more visionary and venturesome, if not wholly unwholesome, vantage point on the architecture. Yes, the widow's walk or captain's walk is a simple structure that adds value by amplifying your ocean view (and other vistas in a full 360* sweep), but it also maximizes your vicarious visual pleasure, lending a salty savor to your Sag Harbor antique home well beyond any traditional real estate appraisal.

A widow's walk is the perfect perch for summer spycraft from any angle. Keep an eye on your busy kids, nosy neighbors, amorous beachgoers, nesting plovers and the all-knowing cops from your airy aerie on top of your waterfront Westhampton postmodern mansion or your Southampton shingle traditional! In short order, literary lads and lasses will have the notes for a novel or a screenplay. Or, gossipy gents and gals will amass plenty of Page Six-worthy items that should provide scintillating and scandalous dinner-table conversation for the coming season.

Perhaps you're the nervous type, pacing back and forth around the widow's walk while you attempt to puzzle out the meaning of your mysterious, antisocial next-door neighbor's most innocuous activities. Or, you're a lady of leisure lounging on your Hermes beach towel soaking in the rays as you raise your binoculars to inspect the sweaty labors and the perfect six-pack abs of your pool man. Maybe the complex interrelationships between the ever-changing round of bright young things at the shared house next door has you intrigued enough to purchase a high-powered telescope. Perchance you're wondering what your teenage son is up to out on your boat with the adorable Swedish au pair, and you're peering through your grandmother's old opera glasses at the bay while roundly cursing the engaging little piece of Eurotrash. From the standpoint of a widow's walk you can embrace your most paranoid and prurient fantasies, sloughing off the seamy and salacious side of your summer as you slither down the spiral staircase back to your "real" life.

Your prospects may be rather more political than personal, and the widow's walk could become a platform for a classy counteroffensive. With a government infringing with impunity on our constitutional rights, why not turn the spy glass back at the prying eye of the authorities? Observe the observers from behind the balustrade of a captain's walk. Whether you're peeking from behind your Jackie O-style sunglasses or peering through a telescope, let them know you're on their case! Salute the henchmen of the New World Order who buzz around in black helicopters as you capture them on video to post on your favorite conspiracy theorist Internet forum. If you are a Hamptons hostess with the proper sang-froid, you could even invite these henchmen in their unmarked flying machines to land on your lawn and come up for a few cocktails on your captain's walk!

While maintaining surveillance on the dalliance between your neighbor's chi-chi decorator and a cute construction worker, do keep an eye on any troop movements by sea, in case of coming enemy attacks on our soil. If you are a studious reader of "Dan's Papers," you will know about WWII landings of Nazi soldiers on Long Island, so keep abreast of any signs of the impending WWIII, even as you espy sexy harborside hints of impending breakups and bethrothals and track the migratory habits of mega-moguls and their supermodel girlfriends.

Cinematic inspiration for your widow's walk or captain's walk can be found aplenty from the stalwart Admiral Boom, the Banks' eccentric neighbor in Mary Poppins. As you recall from the beloved 1964 Disney movie, this very British character had an elaborate nautical-theme platform set up on top of his Edwardian-era London townhouse. A dotty old salt, who obviously missed the sea, the Admiral kept the time by exploding a cannon. While we aren't warmongers or chicken hawks, the cannon is a brilliantly bellicose idea and one you could adopt on your widow's walk if you were to strengthen the roof beams a bit. Like the Admiral, you could discharge firecrackers in a dazzling pyrotechnic display, or you could stoke up the cannon and fire off a warning shot at your neighbor for tempting your husband with a bombastic display of her finer qualities.

For any readers who are inspired or intrigued, if not irritated by the concept of the widow's walk, I have located just a few houses for the pleasure of your perusal. Currently available on the market is a contemporary bay front home on Dune Road in Westhampton Beach, which revisits the theme with a modern twist. While the billiard room, spa, pool and two fireplaces may be the most appealing amenities to many prospective homebuyers, the widow's walk proves alluring to our more playful side! Although this waterfront property is handsomely priced at $3.2 million, the view from the lofty perch on top of this postmodern beauty is surely priceless, if you possess the proper improper mind-set. Another harbor front vacation home on Shelter Island even has a meditation area along with an outdoor shower, six-person hot tub and numerous other deliciously decadent features. But the best communing with nature and the most quality people-watching can surely be done from the widow's walk overlooking the bay!

Although it's not directly located on the ocean, a certain property in Amagansett has what must be the ultimate widow's walk. A large platform reached from an outside staircase sprawls over the entire rooftop of the 3,000 square foot, five-bedroom home. After visiting it in person or on the Internet, you might also yearn to shear the peak off your roof and add a rather spectacular captain's walk! Offered at $3 million, this house is the quintessential party pad and the perfect base for undercover activities of all sorts, seemly and unseemly, seen and (hopefully) unseen. You don't want to be the talk of the town tracked by everyone's telescope, even as you frame your friends and foes alike in your field glasses ... or do you?