Dan's Papers - July 18, 2008 - Stay Healthy, Go Fast

Did you know that every fundraiser you attend this summer can result in your being free from the illness it supports all summer long? It's all part of the service - half of it anyway, with the other half being virtually instant transportation - provided by the Hamptons Immunity and Rocket Pack company that has just opened up for business this year in Bridgehampton.

We spoke to Howard McDuff about his new business the other day at his office, and he confirmed that if you rent one of his rocket packs for a weekend to get from one party to another, you will be free from the illnesses you pay to fight.

"Don't ask how we have arranged this," he said. "But we did."

McDuff says that he is already doing a roaring big business here in the Hamptons, from the day his office opened on Memorial Day weekend.

"We can hardly keep them on the shelves," he said, referring to the rocket packs.

He gave us the tour of his plant, located behind the executive offices. We went through a laboratory where the spent rockets were being re-loaded with fuel, and another where the re-programming of the rocket packs takes place.

"Here is where we keep the returned rockets," he said as we entered a climate-controlled locker room just beyond the security desk and the fingerprint-operated door slider.

He opened a locker and took out a maroon velvet-covered case. "As you see, they are quite light and compact. You just take it out of its case, slip into the straps and dial the parties you want to go to."

He demonstrated. The velvet case opened at the press of a button, revealing a silver rocket the size of a cocktail shaker. He unfolded the straps, pressed a button and it made a whooshing noise and sprang to life. A green light on the nose beeped every second. A dial attached to a gauge on the side lit up, which McDuff stared at.

"This one still has some fuel left. It was last in use on Saturday, June 21. It took some man to the Garden Tour to benefit the Animal Rescue Fund in Southampton at five, to the Group for the East End party at the Wolffer Estate at six, the Caribbean Nights party at the South Fork Natural History Museum to raise money for children's programs at the museum at 6:30, to the Perlman Music Camp on Shelter Island for the school scholarship program at seven, for Artists Against Abuse at the Ross School in East Hampton at 7:30, for the Alison Gertz Foundation for AIDS Education at a private home in Sagaponack at eight and for the American Heart Association Gala at the Hayground School at 8:30. After that it went to the OK! Magazine party at a private home in Sagaponack for no reason whatsoever that I can see. And what's this?"

McDuff spoke into a walkie talkie, and a lab assistant in a white coat appeared.

"This rocket pack took this guest to Mitchell Kriegman's Mexican Mariachi Pool BBQ and School Graduation bash for his kids in Mecox at four. There's no charity. How did that happen?"

"It won't happen again, sir," the assistant said, and trotted off.

"How do you know this rocket pack was used by a man? Does it say?" we asked.

"No, we know because it's not pink. It's brushed silver. We have pink for the ladies, silver for the men. Here, I'll show you how to strap it on."

McDuff lifted the rocket - it was quite light - placed it on his back, put his arms through the straps and snapped the silver buckle in the front.

"There we go. Ready for action."

We looked at the case, which he had set on a table.

"Oh," he said. And he picked it up and snapped it where the straps crossed in the front. "Voila."

"So this thing FLIES you from one party to another?"

"Yes. No muss, no fuss. No valet parking, no buses to the venue. No fill-ups at the gasoline station. You just go from place to place, leaving from the lawn of the venue and then landing each time right at the nametag table at the tent entrance. It's all programmed in advance by the GPS chip inside the gauge.

"I won't demonstrate it," he continued, holding up the palm of his hand. "They do have to be re-programmed ahead of time. This one just might try to take me to all those parties in order again," he chuckled. "And of course, they're long over." He took it off.

"How many miles a gallon does it get?" we asked.

"It doesn't use gasoline. It uses liqiuified carbon dioxide that we purchase from the owners of coal-fired power plants. We strap burlap collection sacks to the top of the smokestacks."

"Does the rocket pollute?"

"Just the opposite. The exhaust consists of pure oxygen. We sell it to hospitals."

"How does the immunity work?"

"As I said, that's a top secret process. But I can tell you it's all interlinked and hooked up to a giant computer at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York. Go to six parties, such as this fellow did last Saturday, and you will be immune to heart disease, AIDS, being abused, feral or wild dogs and cats and all those other things for the entire summer."

"How much does it cost?"

"We rent them by the weekend. And it depends how many fundraisers you go to. It's $4,500 a fundraiser. In addition, pay the $500 or the $5,000 or $10,000 or whatever they want, and you get the immunity. And so as this summer progresses, you not only get this effortless means of transportation, but you get protection from breast cancer, Crohn's disease, Alzheimers, prostate cancer, leukemia, herpes, acid reflux and whatever other diseases have fundraisers.

"All you have to know is to be out on the front lawn when the time comes to get blasted off to your next party."

"That's quite amazing. But one final thing. What if we change our minds and want to go home halfway through an evening?"

"That is a problem. And we do offer our apologies to those who think they might want to do that. We are working on it. But it's a glitch. Hopefully we will have a new model that has solved this problem by next year. Until then, after you've set up your schedule, don't change your mind. Indeed, you won't be allowed to change your mind."

At that moment, we heard a whooshing sound just outside the window and a young couple in evening gown and tuxedo swooped in and landed on the front lawn of the Rocket Pack headquarters. Both staggered around and appeared quite drunk. They were singing. Men in white coats rushed out and helped them out of their rocket packs, then steered them over to the parking lot, where, apparently, their car waited.

"Another job well done," McDuff said.

"You're going to let them drive home like that?"

"Well, we can't do everything. And the gala fundraiser against drunken driving is not until late August."