Dan's Papers - July 11, 2008

The Hamptons in the summer offer many things, not the least of which is an opportunity for creative, silent communication from the privacy and safety of our automobiles. This communication includes the most ordinary, as well as the less common, strategies. There is, of course, the totally uninspired flash of the middle digit used in victory by a driver who overtakes or is finally out from behind another. There's the silent rage, as a frustrated driver screams a diatribe though a closed window, believing that another driver, behind another closed window can actually hear what he's saying.

But there is a new signal on the roads - one that is far more dangerous, insidious, evil. It is called: The Wave.

It can happen to anyone. You're driving along a two-lane road on the East End, and suddenly, inexplicably, there's a vehicle in front of you, in your lane, at a total standstill, with or without emergency lights (usually without). It may be a delivery van, landscaping truck with a huge tailgate attachment, or just what appears to be an innocent, everyday car. You pull up, patiently at first, maybe adding another gesture - a raised hand in or outside of the car that communicates "Hey, what's going on? Can you move it along because as you can see, I am stuck behind you."

Then comes The Wave. The driver of the stopped vehicle lowers his window, extends his arm out of the car, and in a gentle sweeping motion, waves you on - an invitation to simply go around.

Sounds civilized, doesn't it? Almost gracious. A polite, "Please, after you. Really, I insist." But there are double yellow lines painted on roads for a reason. It isn't safe to pass, despite the driver's earnest encouragement.

I got The Wave once just before the top of a hill, where an enormous delivery truck was parked. Another time, it was from the driver of a sedan who waved me on just before a sharp turn in the road. In both cases, I had no way of knowing what was around the bend, literally. Yet in both cases, the waver somehow thought he was doing me a favor by inviting me to continue on my merry way.

I can't wrap my head around The Wave. The other gestures are a lot easier to comprehend - they're usually the result of worlds colliding between two types of drivers: the Brakers and the Zoomers. The Brakers may be people who actually live and work here, and look forward to laying back a little on the weekend and so, they drive at a leisurely pace. Brakers can also include those who live and work elsewhere, and look forward to coming to the East End for a relaxing weekend. (Another reason Brakers take their time is that they realize that these are not remote country backroads, but busy suburban streets where a person, biker or deer could be right around the bend.)

The Zoomers include people who work all week, here or there, and look forward to cramming as much as possible in on the weekends. They're also known as the "Hurry Up and Relax" group. Zoomers may include people who work on the weekend and actually have to get somewhere by a specific time (that does not include parties, benefits or beach parking lots).

The problem on our streets happens when Zoomers and Brakers encounter one another. And that's where the creative communication comes in. When a Braker is in front of a Zoomer, the latter morphs into a Swerver - going wide onto the shoulder, then crossing the center line into the oncoming lane - making his presence known to the Braker. Inevitably in this scenario, as soon as the Zoomer gets the chance to overtake, there is a silent communication that usually involves that particular finger.

(Note: When you're in Braker mode with a Zoomer behind, it's always best to go the speed limit or just a tad under. Not out of spite, but more as an act of civic responsibility. At that point, you may engage in the preferred hand signal of Brakers: Lower the window, extend the arm out, palm down, and make a motion toward the ground as if to say, "Down, boy. Just calm down." Warning! This gesture may have the opposite effect on Zoomers.)

All of these scenarios are explainable. But waving? What's the motivation? The Waver couldn't be so malicious as to invite danger. Or so stupid as to ignore the rules of the road. Or so lazy that he can't move the vehicle. It's a personality type that cries for analysis.

The tactics of Brakers, Zoomers and Wavers create problems beyond the horror of driving into oncoming traffic. If you live here, one looms particularly large: The person you are "communicating" with might be pulling into the same parking lot as you - at your kids' school or camp, the church, or worse, your office.

This dilemma rarely happens in New York, with its built-in anonymity. With eight million people, unless your beef is with someone in your building or a building nearby, you can pretty much behave as horribly as you like without fear of retribution or the shame of realizing you have made a crude gesture at your boss. But if you live in East Hampton, with a year-round population of 20,000 in the entire town; or Southampton, with 60,000, and you drive the same route everyday, chances are your encounters will be more personal. So it behooves us to put safety first on these East End roads. In addition to protecting our and others' physical selves, it protects our social standing as well. In other words, neither a Waver nor Zoomer nor Braker be. Afterall, the reputation you save may be your own.