You Get "One Party A Year" In Southampton

By Dan Rattiner

The powers that be out here in the Hamptons have decided, as everybody knows, to enforce the laws more aggressively than they used to. It wasn't clear to me why this was for a very long time, but then the Chief of the Quogue Police Department told me that the word has come down from the federal government to the states, and from them to the towns and cities. The idea, as it was explained to me, is that we can all do a better job fighting terrorism if we are up close and personal with perps or potential perps - particularly terrorist perps - wherever they might be found.

In any case, Southampton Town Board member Nancy Grabowski has been combing through the ordinance books this past week or two looking for laws that, up until now, might have been ignored. Her thinking seems to be that perhaps some laws, if not aggressively enforced, should be brought up-to-snuff. Maybe they shouldn't be on the books at all.

Better look at those books.

For example, there is the very old law, probably going back to colonial times in Southampton Village, that says you're supposed to observe the village dress codes when walking about downtown. What if, when looked at closely, it turns out that the punishment for this law was that the perp be marched through town naked so the townspeople could throw trash at her? Or him? Who reads these ordinances, anyway?

One law that Grabowski's come upon, which is a quite recently passed law, says that homeowners in Southampton Town may only hold one party of 50 people or more on their property a year.

It was passed five years ago in conjunction with another law that said that if you have a party on your property that involved 50 guests or more, you had to get a permit for it. The original idea for this, which at first seemed to me to be an unconstitutional abridgement of the freedom of assembly, really had more to do with traffic control. If a lot of people were getting together to celebrate something, it would be a good idea for the police to know where the traffic and parking problems would be so the officers could be properly allocated.

Just one party a year? If aggressively enforced - with the police bursting in and sending everybody scurrying for cover - this would mean that you might have to choose between holding your daughter's coming-out party and having a "renewing our vows" party at your home.

For some people, it might be a good idea to postpone a "renewing our vows" party. Better be sure of that. How about we make it our one party NEXT year?

But who it will be really bad for is the charities. A few weeks ago, for example, just on one Saturday night, there were fundraisers for the Group for the East End, for the Perlman Music Camp, for Artists Against Abuse, for the Animal Rescue Fund, for the Alison Gertz Foundation for AIDS Education and for the American Heart Association.

A number of these were at private homes where big white party tents were set up in the yard. So who loses out? The environmental scientists? The music students? The artists not in favor of abuse? The researchers trying to find a cure for heart disease? The citizens eager for AIDS education? The folks who love animals? I read somewhere that about $60 million is raised every summer for charity here in the Hamptons. This law, if enforced, would cripple that effort.

I wonder what else Nancy Grabowski will find? Somebody told me there is a 200-year-old law in Quogue that says if you park your horse in a three-hour zone for more than the allotted time, they shoot the horse.

I'll drink to that.

Meanwhile, in the Village of Sagaponack, which was founded just last year, the mayor and his trustees are considering a new law that would be even more draconian against parties on private property.

According to a proposal, residents in that community would not only be allowed one party a year with more than 50 people, but they'd be allowed to have it only if they got an application for a party permit 120 days before they intended to hold it. Something coming up at the last minute? Fugedaboutit.

Other parts of this proposed ordinance would result in the canceling of well-known Sagaponack fundraisers, such as those that benefit the Southampton Hospital and the James Beard Foundation.

A hearing about this new proposed law will be held at Village Hall on July 14. Don't worry if the police stop you for an ID check on your way over there. Just show them your driver's license. You know the drill.

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