Dan's Papers - July 13, 2007

Saw A Shadow
A woman in East Hampton called police last week because she saw a shadow outside. Police investigated the incident but did not find anybody. There are no confirmed reports on whether or not the woman is afraid of her own shadow.

Egged
A woman in Southampton reported to police that somebody walked up onto her property and threw eggs at her house. Luckily for her however, the blazing hot sun fried the eggs on her roof within minutes and the woman invited the neighborhood over for some brunch.

Stolen Plant
A woman in Southampton walked into a store and decided to steal a hibiscus plant, valued at $55. The storeowner caught the woman and called the police who rushed to the scene. The report was filled out as follows a conspicuous woman with an insidious plan decided to steal a hibiscus plant. When she walked away, she was caught with a red hand and was given an expeditious charge, by police near the flower stand. The prestigious police officer, who had a delicious doughnut in his hand, returned back the ever so lovely, ridiculously-fabulous-never-ever-hideious-and-pleasently-supersticous, sometimes delicious, hibiscus plant.

Wandering 2-Year-Old
A two-year-old was walking through a nature trail with her two nannies and then wandered away from them, only to be found about five minutes later by police officers who returned the girl to the nannies. The nannies were treated for completely freaking the #$%* out.

Southampton Stoners
There were over five arrests this week in Southampton made in relation to the drug marijuana. In related news, the 24-hour convenience stores in Southampton are among the busiest in the entire country.

Rental Board Stolen
A guy in Montauk rented a surfboard and wetsuit from a local shop, went surfing and the placed the board out on his deck. When he returned back from the beach, the board and wetsuit were stolen. They were valued at $800 combined. The guy reported the theft to police who responded, "major bummer dude."

Shades
A woman in East Hampton watched as a man began to go through her car while it was parked. She was able to call police, who caught up with the man identified and charged him. The man was arrested and the woman had her sunglasses returned to her. The sunglasses thief squinted all the way to jail.

Beach Parking Stickers
A man in Southampton told police that somebody entered his home and stole two of his beach parking stickers, valued at about $350. Police told the man to stick his parking stickers on his car next time, instead of leaving them around the house where anybody with half a brain would steal them.