Dan's Papers - July 13, 2007 - Twentysomthing... with David Lion Rattiner

For as long as I can remember, I have tried to develop a six-pack stomach. I think it began when I was twelve years old, while watching the WWF (now the WWE) and seeing Bret "The Hitman" Heart and his amazing six-pack stomach. Even at that age, I thought it was the coolest thing I had ever seen. Jean Claude Van Dam had one and Schwarzenegger had one. I wanted one, two, damn it.

And so, during football practice growing up, I would do a hundred sit-ups nearly every day. I have proof that there was a time when I had a six pack. There is a picture of me as a junior in high school with my shirt off and these awesome muscles bulging out of my stomach. Then there is another picture of me while I was on the crew team at Northeastern University, with an oh-so sweet six-pack. I have both of these pictures in frames, locked inside an air-tight lock box so they never age. I try to pass these pictures off as pictures that were recently taken of me to people.

Every day since those pictures were taken, I have thought about how my stomach used to look and how it still kind of looks like I have a six-pack, if the lighting is right and if I really crunch my stomach by bending my back just a little bit so that my fat squishes together to form a sort of line. When I do this, I kind of have a six pack, or at least I think I do. However, I'm not convincing anybody else.

I've tried, with a relentless determination, to get my six-pack back. It seems like a lost cause, like trying to beat Hamptons traffic. Over the wintertime, I started training with Jimmy Minardi, who whipped me into shape pretty quickly, actually. I started to see some real results. But, of course, the second that my weight was where I wanted it to be, I pretty much disappeared from the gym and before I knew it, I was back to pretending that I had a six-pack.

I have a lot of respect for guys that have legitimate six packs. I'm not talking about the guys that can eat anything and have one. Those guys are just gawky, skinny guys that need to go on a high-calorie diet. And I'm not talking about the guys that have jobs where they do a lot of physical work or the guys who truly enjoy doing a specific sport every single day. I'm also not talking about those huge meathead guys who are kind of chubby in a weird muscular way. I'm talking about the regular dudes out there who have somehow pulled it off for the time being. I'm talking about the guys who don't like working out, but do it anyway because they know it is important. I'm talking about the guys that like to eat everything on the table but don't because they know they shouldn't. I'm talking about the guys who don't drink beer anymore or don't eat pizza anymore and workout nearly every day while still managing a real job and a social life. Those guys have focus.

I have a theory. I think having a six pack is the key to true happiness. Some of the happiest times in my life were when I had a washboard for a stomach. The strange thing is, I really hate exercising. I've been doing competitive sports and going to the gym my whole life and every single time I get on a treadmill to go for a run, or am about to partake in a serious training session, I say to myself, "God, this sucks."

But I do it. I'll get on the stupid thing and run and be miserable. Or I'll go to an exercise class and be completely miserable. The entire time I'll be praying for the workout to be over.

Then the oddest thing happens. When I finish the workout, I'm the happiest person in the world. I'm filled with energy, I have a positive outlook on my life, I feel empowered, I feel confident and I get psyched for whatever I'm about to do. Which leads me to believe that being miserable is a big part of being happy.

I think that each person has to experience feeling really miserable to feel happy. That's why exercising makes you happy, because it packs a day's worth of misery into an hour. If you don't do it, then that misery gets spread out through the day.

It's pretty amazing how much you can learn about life, yourself and happiness by doing everything you possibly can to avoid having to exercise but still stay in shape and eat whatever you want.