Dan's Papers - July 3, 2009

When touring Europe, I've always been fascinated by the fact that each country has its own patriotic preference for home grown automobiles. In Germany, one sees mostly Volkswagens and Mercedes. These cars are also very Teutonic in design and engineering. They're technically advanced, serious drives. To the French, it would be traitorous to drive anything but a Citroen, Peugeot or Renault. These Francophile delights are all soft-riding, extremely comfortable vehicles. Of course, Fiat owns Italy and there is literally a Fiat dealer in every small village. Fiat is so omnipresent, I've often thought all these Fiat dealers should have a McDonald's franchise attached to make some extra dough. The nationalistic fervor for cars built in their own countries can also be seen with the Volvos and Saabs of Sweden and the various makes predominating the wrong side of the roads in England.

Here in the Hamptons, every town and village has its own personality. Maybe you've noticed town and village nationalism. There are definitely socioeconomic variations between people and places. Just like Europe, each Hamptons village has its own automotive personality. You may not have noticed, but in the Hamptons, you are what you drive. Starting with Remsenburg, we'll drive out East and investigate the types of vehicles that predominate, and literally what drives the people.

Remsenburg, considered by many to be the gateway to the Hamptons, is a quiet little hamlet just west of Westhampton. This town is probably the best kept secret of the Hamptons and the locals would have it no other way. Its main street, South Country Road, is storeless and was once named one of the prettiest main streets in America. What types of cars does this secret society drive? Unfortunately, it's the only place on the South Fork where nobody knows, because not only do you rarely see a car on the road, you seldom see people. All you see are hoards of landscapers' trucks pulling their trailers. Five thousand years from now, future archeologists searching the long lost Hamptons will indeed be mystified by Remsenburg.

Westhampton Beach is and always has been a car town. Its main street, about as long as a NYC block, is one of the most attractive in the Hamptons. On any given weekend you can view a collection of the most exotic cars in the Hamptons casually parked on this thoroughfare. There are more Ferraris and Rolls Royces in this town than in Modena or London. In Westhampton Beach, the poor drive Porsches. There is a lot of summer action in this town. What other small village in America boasts a Lamborghini dealer, a live theater and an airport big enough to land a 747?

Another secret Hamlet, like elusive Remsenburg. However, this one does have cars, along with a split personality. On the side of town north of Montauk Highway, the woods are packed full of contemporary and postmodern homes built since the 1980s. There's a black Porsche or Green Range Rover in virtually every driveway. The south side of town is the Poupon mustard flank, money so old it has mildew. One large mansion next to another, all hidden behind hedges against inflation. The S-Class sedans and station wagons are the cars of choice here. All the cars here are one color - "Paint it black," as Mick Jagger sang.

EAST QUOQUE and HAMPTON BAYS

The affordable Hamptons. This is where I believe the "true" Hampton rich live. (Have you gotten a plumber's or electrician's bill lately?) The real year-round Hampton locals live here and thankfully not one of them has Locust Valley lockjaw! Pickup and work trucks of all shapes and colors (thankfully) predominate.

Southampton has it all. Mansions by the sea to make one sigh with envy, although some of them could be in big trouble right now, and enough great shopping and fine restaurants to overtax anyone's gold card on a warm weekend. Southampton is also the collector car center of the East End. There are lots of repair centers to keep these oldies but sometimes not so goodies running. There's always a vintage Jag, MG, Porsche or Alfa parked in town. People in Southampton are dyed in the wool Europhiles. It's not by chance that Land Rover, Mercedes, BMW and Mini have dealerships in town.

Once a small fishing village, Sag Harbor has grown into a Mega-Yacht port, as well as a sailboat haven. Next to Newport, Sag Harbor is THE sailboat resort on the East Coast. Huge yachts are insanely expensive and average-sized sailboats are luxuries. It has been said that "man has never invented a more expensive way to go slow," referring to sailboats. This maritime setting is important as to what kind of vehicles you see on the main street of Sag Harbor. It used to be Volvo station wagons, but now it's the Toyota Prius, along with a smattering of Honda Civics and Toyota Corollas. Environmentally friendly, fuel-efficient slower cars rule the roads of Sag Harbor.

WATERMILL and BRIDGEHAMPTON

Keep it a secret, but these two villages have some of the best and most picturesque back-road driving in the Hamptons. Trendy little great handling sports cars are everywhere. It's as though the ghosts of the old Bridgehampton racetrack are looking down from their old hilltop location and whispering in one's ear that these roads were made to be driven. Yesterday it was horsepower, today it's pedigree horses. Bridgehampton is also horse country, and the sprawling horse ranches, with their miles of white fences, are visually beautiful. It's a Ralph Lauren dream come true: It has a robust car history combined with Polo. Watermill and Bridgehampton not only boast great shopping, but great car watching. Lithe little sports cars, as well as sports sedans, all enjoy those back roads. The ghosts are smiling.

They're all here, the tastemakers of the world. East Hampton is to the Hamptons as Florence is to Italy: Spielberg, Stewart, Klein, Lauren, Wang, etc. If a meteor ever wiped out this town, the world would probably end up dressed like German tourists in their summer clothes. East Hampton is a beauty-oriented place affluent enough to support any lifestyle. It's a car town so wealthy that ultra-vain nearsighted car owners have their car windshields ground to their prescription. The town has fabulous shopping, with one caveat: It is virtually impossible to find a parking space there. All people seem to do is drive around looking for impossible-to-find spots. East Hamptonites are like sharks, in many ways. They have to keep moving, and if they ever actually park their car, they will probably die. The cars to be seen here should be convertibles, so you can see and be seen during those endless hours of searching the town. Porsches for two and Bentleys for four seem to be the favorite fun in the sun rides.

Beachy and low key, but incredibly trendy. Singles are everywhere, always with the latest fashions and up to the minute automobiles. Of course, the guys all drive cars that they think will impress the opposite sex. You'll never see a Kia or Hyundai in this town. This is macho Nissan 270Z, Corvette and Dodge Viper country for the boys. The single girls all love their Minis and VW Beatle convertibles. Sometimes I wonder how the two sexes ever get together with such different tastes in transportation. Maybe it's the Hamptons air.

What Sag Harbor is to sailboats, Montauk is to powerboats. Montauk is the deep sea fishing drop off point of Long Island. It attracts the most serious deep water fisherman. There are loads of ocean-going private yachts rough and ready enough to power out to the "canyon" for some deep water sport fishing. These powerful dreadnaughts use lots of fuel, 40 gallons per hour being not uncommon. The boat owners attitude is damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead, so fuel economy is no concern. This credo extends towards the type of vehicles driven here. They are all American battleships: Hummers, Chevy Suburbans, Ford Expeditions, etc. Montauk is the SUV capital of the Hamptons and proud of this distinction.

Nationalism, or "Townism" exists in the Hamptons. Maybe it should be a law that every town exhibits an oval white town origin sticker on its trunk, identical to the oval stickers on cars in Europe differentiating the owner's country. I know the folks in East Hampton would love it, but the secret society of Remsenburgers would fight it tooth and nail.