Dan's Papers - July 4, 2008

Two weeks ago, some vandals defaced the very insulting billboard on County Road 39 with graffiti. The billboard, put there by the county without consultation with anybody else, was cleaned the next day, and subsequently, the Suffolk County police embarked on an investigation to find out whom the perpetrators might be.

They have made no arrests yet, but so far they have uncovered an astonishing 15 plots to deface, blow up or entirely remove this very expensive sign. Here are these 15 plots.

1. The Southampton Council of Churches had made plans to remove the weapon that is in the police officer's hands on this sign and replace it with a cross. E-mails show considerable correspondence with rabbis and Muslim clerics in the area about whether a cross would be okay, or if should it be something else. The final decision was already made - it would be a cross, but it would have to be wood, so people would recognize it as the device that paralyzes the villain in the movie Dracula. The painting of the wooden cross had already been ordered and completed, and they were just waiting to coordinate the night on which this defacement might occur. But now the plot has been uncovered.

2. E-mails have determined that the Southampton Town Trustees have been working to hatch a plan to knock down the sign with a four-wheel-drive Jeep. They worked out an alibi for the Jeep, since the tracks it makes could be traceable if they use those Plaster of Paris thingys. The only thing holding this up is determining which of the members' Jeeps they ought to use, and how to arrange reimbursement for damage to the vehicle, if that were to occur.

3. The Southampton Chamber of Commerce, believing the sign to be both rude and insulting to visitors who might shop in the stores, has been plotting to attach a chain to the sign to haul it off into the woods. They have approached all members of the Chamber who are either in the construction business or the house-moving business, and all expressed a desire to do this. According to the e-mails, the plot was discovered just in time, as the selection of who might do this was scheduled for tomorrow night.

4. Members of the Southampton Town Police Department, who were as surprised as anybody to see this horrific sign, have been discussing the idea of issuing tickets to the county for being in violation of town law 17, 4.5 which considers the erection of a billboard in that town to be a crime. Indeed, county investigators have already determined that more than 50 tickets have been written, one for each day the billboard has been there, and are on a sergeant's desk awaiting approval from the town supervisor to tape them to the sign. The fine is $500 a day.

5. Members of the Southampton Association, the group of bluebloods who live in Southampton, have been holding discreet and unofficial meetings to have the billboard defaced. Their plan, discovered by an undercover agent at a coming-out party, was to add the word "Please" after the words, "Strictly Enforced." Papers were confiscated by investigators.

6. Members of the North Sea Gun Club were planning to riddle the billboard with gunfire, and finally do it in with a volley of hand grenades and six-inch artillery rounds on the upcoming night of July 14.

7. Members of the Hampton Bays Skateboarders Association have made plans to paint the sign, haul it away and use it for a ramp at their new skateboarding park in that town. This would have taken place on July 11.

8. Weight Watchers of Southampton, Inc. were planning to bring ladders and paint to the billboard on the night of July 5 in order to "slim down" the officer leaping up from the far side of the police car by blending in his beefy sides. They say "as is," the sign is a poor example of what a police officer should look like.

9. Friends of Horace J. Molinarski, the overweight Suffolk County officer who was photographed in the act of leaping up from behind the side of the police car, had been planning to bring a lawsuit on his behalf, saying he was tricked into having his picture taken in this manner and thought he was just posing for a bathing suit commercial for "Saturday Night Live." According to recent e-mails, however, this had escalated into a plan to black out Officer Molinarski's image with black paint.

10. Members of the Shinnecock Indian Reservation were found to be planning to fire flaming arrows at the sign until it caught fire and burned to the ground. They say that because the billboard is right near the turnoff to go to the reservation, it was clearly aimed at them. The plan was discovered by a Suffolk County police officer who has been trained to translate smoke signals.

11. The Nature Conservancy was discovered to be planning to have the billboard carefully removed and then stored in a warehouse because, as they said in e-mail correspondence, it blocks an otherwise wonderful view of some trees and grasses and occasional small animals. The Conservancy was planning a midnight raid that would have more than 200 members, both men and women, cutting down and personally carrying off the sign. It would be the way to do it with the least environmental impact.

12. The New York Long-Distance Bicycle Club was planning to cut the sign down and haul it off because it was put up right across the most popular bike route on eastern Long Island. This would have happened July 11.

13. A Bridgehampton farmer was discovered to have been planning to cut down the metal sign, paint it over and use it to cover one side of a leaky roof on his barn. This was scheduled for July 5. This plan was discovered while the farmer was shopping for large amounts of glue in Agway.

14. Members of the Sag Harbor Alternative Health and Therapy Group were planning a four-hour meditation in front of the sign on the night of July 7, hoping the result would be that the sign would self-destruct as a result of bad vibes. "The karma of the sign is completely wrong," one of their e-mails said, according to a Suffolk County Police Department investigator on this case.

15. The Southampton Architectural Review Board had contacted the Southampton Highway Department to remove the sign on the grounds that it was "just too plain ugly." The cover story of this, which was scheduled for July 3, would have been that they had accidentally removed the wrong sign.

A spokesperson for Suffolk County Police Department said that though members are saddened by all the people who will have to be arrested due to these plots, they are heartened by the fact that the sign has been such an attention-getter. They have currently completed the painting of a new sign, which is even worse than the old. It shows a giant police officer with fangs rounding up and carrying off law-breaking motorists in nets. It will be replacing the current sign before the first of August.

Anyone who has information that could result in the arrest and conviction of anyone involved in these plots should anonymously contact the Suffolk County Police Department at 631-852-COPS in order to claim their reward.