Dan's Papers - June 26, 2009 - The Sheltered Islander

Getting the money for a boat is only half the problem, the other half is usually - your other half. July is near. If you haven't talked your mate into getting a boat, try these strategies.

1. Promise the guy the perverse sex act of his choice, and the bigger the boat, the more perverse the act. Don't worry, you'll never have to do it. You can always break your promise later with some creative excuse. I like to say, "You know I'd love to do that, honey, I just love the whole thing with the chickens and whipped cream, but the doctor said I've contracted Acidopholous corpus rotus delecti, and it's very contagious when I'm aroused. But we can do it if you really want to..." That gets you off the hook everytime.

2. Promise you'll watch his football games with him. He'll be thrilled. Then, keep asking him questions and by half time he'll be begging you to leave the room. Keep the beer and sandwiches going and he'll believe you wanted to watch millionaires in shiny pants running into each other.

3. Tell him that buying a boat means you won't have enough money to go visit your folks anytime in the coming year. This is actually true. You won't be able to afford to visit anyone. After you buy the boat, a trip to Riverhead will be a big adventure. As a matter of fact, once you buy the boat, you won't have money to do anything else except go out on the water, quelle dommage...

4. Tell him that buying a boat exempts him from house painting or repairs. After you get the boat, if you need a house repair, buy (and make sure he sees) your copy of How to Do House Repairs Yourself. Get a hammer and some duct tape. While he's puttering around the house, do your repair work. You know how men do a deliberately lousy job when they do a housework task? So in frustration, you yank the vacuum/mop/sponge away and just do it yourself? Same principle here. Once they hear hammering, they'll have to come to supervise you. Once they see what you're doing, because you have no idea really, they'll yank the hammer from your hand and off you go!

I'll pause here to say that I realize the younger readers may think it's wrong to deceive the one that you love. In a perfect world, filled with only perfect people, perfect honesty would work. But how close to perfection is your loved one? The distance between their existing personality and perfection can be filled in with delusion and deception. In time, you'll see the wisdom.

1. If you want that boat, promise her a full day of shopping at the mall of her choice with your credit cards, and you will go along and hold her purse without complaint. You can always break your promise later, but I wouldn't recommend it. If you decide to, you should sleep with a gun under your pillow, just as a precaution.

2. Promise her that she can pick the next four movies you see off-Island. She'll pick chick-flicks of course, but you can survive it, that's what drugs and alcohol are for.

3. Tell her that buying a boat means you won't have enough money to visit your relatives anytime soon. Even better, tell her you won't be able to afford entertaining them at your house. Tell her that if your people show up, you'll take them out on the boat the whole visit so she doesn't have to cook, clean, or hostess. A woman knows a man won't break a promise like this because men don't like company for more that three hours no matter whose family it is, and men certainly don't want to visit anybody's parents and be grilled on what they're doing or listen to hints of what relatives think they should be doing.

4. If the situation is desperate and she's not buying any of your shallow promises, you have one stratagem left. It's the most difficult for a man, yet it softens women up everytime. Practice this statement, "I was wrong and I am sorry." You can paraphrase if you want, but get the words "wrong" and "sorry" in there. Women never hear these words from men, so the shock of it stuns us. And after stunning her a few times, say, "I don't deserve someone like you and I don't know how you've put up with me all these years. I wish I could ask you if I could buy a boat so I could meditate on changing my ways while on the water, but I know it's too much to ask of you." If you can connect that buying a boat will make you a more sensitive partner, you're in like Flynn....