Dan's Papers - June 26, 2009 - Rhyme nor Reason

I'm trying to find myself. It's not that I'm lost - I've just been misplaced.

I realized I was lost when I realized I was being followed. I don't like being followed.

It started with an email from Maureen Sullivan, who's following me. I don't know Maureen Sullivan, but there she is, a complete stranger, following me, everywhere, every minute of the day. It is frightening.

The truth is, Maureen Sullivan is following me only on Twitter. But I am still frightened. Twitter scares me. It should be renamed Shutter. Or Jitters. Because to me, the idea of being followed is unsettling. Maybe that comes from living for 20+ years in New York, where I changed my shoe style from heels to flats so I could run if a mugger chased me. New Yorkers don't like being followed. Not on Sixth Avenue, not through the Dutch Masters section of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and certainly not in cyberspace.

The invitational email from Maureen Sullivan via Twitter said, "You may also block Maureen Sullivan if you don't want them to follow you."

Them! Is there more than one Maureen Sullivan following me? This is either the stuff of nightmares or it's just another example of the blanket acceptance (even by The New York Times) of using a plural pronoun in reference to a singular subject. Either way, it's still the stuff of nightmares. I can't stop The Times from lowering its grammatical standards, but maybe I can stop Maureen Sullivan from following me.

While I was at it, I thought I should find out if any others were following me on Twitter in case I needed to stop them as well. There were 10 people, including Tiffany Razzano, the associate editor at Dan's Papers. We sit about three feet from each other five days a week so I couldn't understand why she'd want to follow me.

Dan Rattiner is following me too. Dan and I follow each other a lot. In truth, I'm usually the one chasing after him for something. So a part of me felt great satisfaction in knowing he is now following me. I wouldn't block him.

But I did decide to BLOCK Maureen Sullivan - once and for all. I've had it with her. I clicked on "Block Maureen Sullivan," and was directed to a page that said, "If you've been using Twitter from your phone, click here and we'll get you signed up on the web."

I think that would have to involve texting and I don't text. Then I realized I could enter the site another way, with my Username and Password.

But I couldn't remember them. All I could muster up to put in was my Dan's Papers email address. I entered the information, but nothing happened.

I went back to the "Block Maureen Sullivan" page, but she's wily - just the kind of trickster you don't want following you. I clicked "Login." Nothing happened. I needed help.

So I clicked on it. I was taken to a page with a plethora of information that wasn't helpful at all.

Then I had a thought. Maybe I had never joined Twitter at all. But then how is that people were following me? I clicked "Join."

I filled out everything on this longer form, ending with my Dan's Papers email address. I then got the message that the email address had been taken.

I blame Maureen Sullivan! Not only am I a victim of her following me, I am now a victim of identity theft.

Or maybe I had signed myself up but didn't remember. I went back to the homepage, and sheepishly typed into the search box, "I don't remember my user name and password," and hit enter. Nothing happened. That's when I realized I was truly lost.

Then, somehow through the site, I managed to send an email to Twitter. It said, "I have forgotten my user name, password and user ID. The only thing I know for sure is my email address. Please help."

It's a week later and - nothing.

Suddenly I was hit by the ridiculousness of the situation. Almost a dozen people have found me on Twitter, but I can't find myself.

And until I do, I'll have people lined up to follow me. I don't have to let them, but for now I can't block them either. In the meantime, I'll be under the threat of being followed, which I don't like.

I have a friend who also hates being followed. He was in the Army and after four years of having people literally breathing down his neck, he couldn't stand the thought of having anyone behind him. We fell out of touch a long time ago - haven't spoken or seen each other in years.

I wonder how he's doing? I wonder if he's on Twitter? I might just try to find him - as soon as I find myself.