Dan's Papers - June 20, 2008 - The Hampton Subway Newsletter

DELAYS: There will be 20-minute delays in the Hampton Subway system over the entire Fourth of July weekend, as new tracks are being laid at various places where old tracks are rusting or acting funny.

Tiger Woods, fresh from his U.S. Open victory, was seen with a big smile on his face on the platform in Westhampton Beach. People who saw him said his smile went on and on, and that he seemed to be the happiest fellow they had ever seen. He carried a putter and took the L train toward Quogue and Southampton. Also seen on various platforms on the subway were Sarah Jessica Parker, Liz Smith, Alec Baldwin and E. L. Doctorow. Doctorow was reading a book on the Sag Harbor platform.

The ridership of the Hampton Subway set a record last week. The largest number of people used the subway in its history. Many riders say that high gas prices are driving them down into the subway to get from place to place. Meanwhile, the 33 people who have been selected to be "pushers" and get people onto the subway trains as fast as possible, have been in training on the Hampton Bays platform, and are now anticipating their debut on the Fourth of July weekend. There have been complaints. One, a charge of sexual assault after a rider was pushed too hard in a sensitive area, is being taken very seriously.

The award for the Most Loyal Employee this month goes to Joe MacNamara, the flagman who, in spite of the long and unsuccessful strike of his fellow flagmen, came to work every day and stood by his post until the matter was settled. The award was a plaque that reads, "For All You've Done, Joe, We Appreciate It - Bob Aspinall, Commissioner, Hampton Subway." Joe lives in Riverhead.

The first 10 of what are expected to be 22 double-decker subway cars will be brought into service for the Fourth of July weekend. The rest should follow by August 1.

For those who fear that the number of riders will soon overwhelm the subway system, rest assured that the new double-decker subway cars will be online in two weeks.

The cars have been made in Sweden out of the finest Swedish steel, and are conforming to the exact standards that the architectural firm of Aspinall and Aspinall has instructed. (That is me and my brother Biff, the great entrepreneur.) Riders will have the same headroom they have now on the first floor, and will be able to climb some stairs to sit in seats on the second floor.

Biff has carefully measured the available height between the underside of the subway tube and the tracks to make sure these two floors fit - although he tells me you might have to duck down a little on the second level. We're told that these subway cars have been tested in Sweden, and that they work perfectly.

I want to thank everybody for all the subway tokens that have been brought to headquarters to help make up for the tokens lost when the ship taking them to Africa sank in Sag Harbor two weeks ago. I was able to take nearly 340,000 more tokens to the President of Basinoba just before he got on his private plane to fly home. As you know, he has purchased our entire stock of these old tokens (which we got from the NY system years ago), and will use them as the official currency for his new country. His bearers put the tokens in great sacks in the cargo area of the plane, and I am told the plane did have trouble taking off from the Westhampton Airport. But after the plane brushed the tops of trees at the end of the runway, it took off, and the President and his tokens are currently being distributed among the citizens in Basinoba.

Our plan to give free rides next month because the new swipe cards ordered for the turnstiles have not yet been received, has been cancelled. Cooler heads prevailed after giving it some thought. The plan might have caused a riot. Rides will cost $2 each, and our token booth operators are ready and willing to make the proper change, although nothing smaller than quarters will be accepted.