Dan's Papers - June 22, 2007 - Models Gone Wild

We like the models out here in the Hamptons. They are nice to look at, they add glamour to the landscape and they promote the area when their beautiful faces show up in prestigious magazines with a Hamptons backdrop. But sometimes there is more to life then being really, really ridiculously good looking.

An incident that occurred two weeks ago was a disgrace when it comes to Manhattan models coming into East Hampton and having a complete disregard for the beaches of this area and its natural resources. In a terrible display of indecency, Ralph Lauren models, armed with eight Land Rover FUVs (thank you very much, Miles Jaffee) were tearing up the beaches at Napeague in Amagansett, at speeds of nearly 50 miles an hour over State-protected parkland. When Latisha Coy, a town natural resources staffer for East Hampton, noticed that they were driving near Piping Plover and Tern nests and attempted to stop the vehicles by standing in front of them, the models zipped their FUVs around, kicking up sand and sped off.

Well, this was a big oopsie for Ralph Lauren -- who we all love and adore, by the way --you just can't do that kind of thing to the beaches here and get away with it. And nobody is blaming him, specifically, but the models involved in this incident, as well as the planners who brought them down to organize a shoot for the new launch of Polo's new fragrance,"Explorer," deserve a spanking -- figuratively speaking, of course. (Although, models spanking other models... Oh, never mind).

The natural resources here are what the Hamptons are all about. And even though the Piping Plovers are more then annoying to deal with when it comes to having to fence them off and canceling fireworks for them, having a complete disregard for the beaches in such a display of erratic driving in Plover territory, is going to spring local officials into action. And they don't mess around. These beaches are everything to them, like they are for almost all of us.

As the investigation into the incident went on, other laws were broken. No permit was given for the filming of the shoot. No permit was given for the construction of the tent and no permit was given for the construction of the platform on the beach, either. With speeds of up to 50 miles per hour, these people could have killed someone.

So, in other words, none of this is supposed to be funny, even though that I agree that Piping Plovers do taste like chicken. Regardless, they are endangered, and thank God and everybody else who has been able to create laws to protect animals like these from becoming extinct. We are lucky to have them, even when their laws seem annoying. Trust me, people that act like this on the beach are way worse than the people we have running things.

And so, because of this, it must be taken very seriously. Their actions could result in fines in the area of $200,000 if the Fish and Wildlife Service, a State Agency, get involved. According to Lee Schneckenberger, who is an agent there, killing endangered animals deliberately is a class A misdemeanor with a maximum penalty of $200,000 for corporations.

Of course, the models could plead to just being complete idiots. And perhaps that is their best defense. "We didn't realize driving eight Land Rovers on the beach going 50 miles per hour was a crime. We didn't understand that the woman with the badge was a government official. None of us knew what Protected Area meant. We thought that was the designated area of the beach to have protected sex. How were we supposed to know? We are models. One of us here is an ambi-turner, for crying out loud." Well, that may be the case, but even complete stupidity isn't going to cut it. I'm all for letting loose and goofing around and I think I have a reputation for not liking rules, but rules that prevent death and protect the environment are worth following.

Either way, most people are viewing this as, "Oh that's just the way those Manhattanites are, they do whatever they want because all they care about is themselves." But that is just not the case. The giving and positive organizations spearheaded by Manhattanites out here, using the Hamptons as a platform, whether it's breast cancer or global warming, are stupendous and wonderful. The Manhattanites are the ones waving the flags and taking the lead to raise money and awareness for good causes out here.

What all this comes down to is idiotic people and good people who get out of control need to be reminded of the importance of being good. And to the people that are outraged by this incident, have confidence that responsibility is going to be taken. And to Ralph Lauren, we all still absolutely love your clothes. In fact, I'm wearing a Polo shirt while I write this article. And to the environmentalists, we're happy you're here, even though sometimes Terns attack us in midair on the beach. And to the eight models, well, you probably can't read, so, what's the point. But if somebody is reading this to you, I guess all I can say is that it's no longer fashionable to treat Mother Nature like crap. So you are soooooo not hot right now and it makes you look old.