Twentysomething...

By David Lion Rattiner

Summer's here - a guaranteed reason to get in shape.

Go to a bar-b-que with family and friends and join a game of tag with the kids. Play for 10 minutes, then collapse from a near heart attack, then decide you're going to run more. Watch an eight-year-old laugh at you and tell you you're getting fat and old. Throw a pie at the eight year old, eat some of the pie, regret it later.

Wake up the next morning and drive to the beach to for a run. You have the whole day to dedicate yourself to getting back in shape. Here we go.

Get out of the car, go on the beach, start jogging. While jogging, watch as two women in their 60s pass you at double your speed. Attempt to keep up with them at Main Beach in East Hampton, then realize that they aren't even jogging but just walking really fast, then begin to walk and pretend that you are just taking a morning walk so you are not embarrassed.

Go back home to do three sets of 30 push-ups. Do the push-ups, remember your glory days playing football in high school, then try opening the door with sore muscles.

Take aspirin.

Go to Brent's General Store in Amagansett for a bottle of water and a fruit bowl. Listen to the little man in your head who is telling you that there is a chance of dying of a protein deficiency if you don't eat a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich. Order the sandwich, eat it, then order a hot chocolate and tell yourself you'll work it off at the gym later.

Meet up with a friend who is in much better shape than you are who tells you that you should read the book, Skinny Bitch. Listen to your heart rate elevate as you accept that you're a grown man going to buy a book entitled Skinny Bitch.

Head to Bookhampton in East Hampton and purchase Skinny Bitch for about $15. Ask for a bag from the clerk. Secretly bring the book to your car and then drive home and hide out by the pool to read it.

Okay, I get it, eating dairy and meat products is bad and eating vegetables are good for you. What better place to eat vegetables than Round Swamp Farm just up the street?

Go to Round Swamp and be charmed by the scene at the store, and then be shocked when you pay $33 for a vegetable salad, an Honest Tea Pomegranate drink and a box of blueberries.

Drink the Honest Tea and think, "If it's good enough for Obama, it's good enough for me."

Eat all of the fruits and vegetables in your car and then get a call from your friend asking you to bring a pecan pie from Round Swamp. Buy the pie, then eat half of it on the way to dropping it off, then go to the Pepperoni's Pizza in Springs because, "What the hell, I'm this far in already."

Eat a chicken roll and feel bad for the chicken that died so you could eat, then feel regret. Go home and take a nap with intentions of going for a run, this time seriously, right after your nap is over.

Wake up three hours later and realize that one of your favorite "Seinfeld" episodes is on, and decide that you are going to do push-ups during the commercials. The commercials come, you do about three push-ups, then reach for some more aspirin because oh my God is my chest achy from the push-ups I tried to do earlier.

Decide to really, really go for a run, but not until "Seinfeld" is over.

When "Seinfeld" ends, get a call on your cell phone. It's your girlfriend. She wants to know when and where you're both having dinner. Reach into your pocket and grab the gift certificates you got for Nick and Toni's. Might as well go there.

Tomorrow, I swear, I'll work it off.

Back to Contents