Dan's Papers - June 13, 2008 - The Y-Factor with Christian McLean

Look out flamingos, there's a more expensive plastic bird in town. The newest gimmick this summer is a stunning seasonal rental with all-you-can-cut plastic surgery, plus perks like invites to Diddy's White Party and Bridgehampton polo matches. While this sounds like a superficial person's dream, I'm trying to figure out how you can correlate serious surgical procedures with your scheduled attendance at star-studded events and avoid showing up with bruising, swelling and stitches. Don't get me wrong, you'd definitely make a statement arriving at Mr. Comb's East Hampton crib in head to toe white gauze, but to me it doesn't make much sense.

Recovery periods vary for each patient and some treatments are more extensive than others, but this is a basic rundown of plastic surgery timeframes. Let's say you went for rhinoplasty the first week in June. According to the Mayo Clinic, "Some temporary swelling, black-and-blue discoloration of your eyelids and numbness can occur for two to three weeks after nasal surgery." So that gets you and your new nose ship shape just in time for the 4th of July. It is also recommended that you avoid strenuous activities like swimming (all right, so the ocean is still pretty cold). You also can't rest glasses (including sunglasses) on your new shnoz for about a month, so you're gonna need a bigger hat.

Say you follow up the nose job with a little lipo to look good in your bikini - not gonna help you this summer. Again, the Mayo Clinic offers this information: "Expect some pain, swelling and bruising after the procedure. You may need to wait a few days before returning to work, and a few weeks before resuming your normal activities and exercise. About four weeks after the procedure, when most of the swelling has subsided, the area in which fat was removed should look less bulky. Within three to six months, the area should have its new leaner, tighter appearance." Three to six months? See you in September. And as for the bikini - you're gonna want to cover those incision marks because sun exposure makes scars more apparent. All that covering up kind of makes hitting the beach a pain in your newly sculpted butt, (by the way have you ever watched six chukkers from those folding chairs at the VIP tent in Bridgehampton? It's a killer.) What about a new set of boobs? Before they become perfect and perky, expect, "You'll be sore the first few days after breast augmentation surgery, but your doctor can prescribe medication to help relieve your pain. If you don't have a physically demanding job, you may be able to return to work within a few days. Getting back to normal activities may take longer - about two to three weeks - as your breasts will be sensitive to physical contact or jarring movements." Shaking your groove-thing at the White Party seems like it'll be out of the question.

Guys, this isn't just for women. I know you've been looking to get rid of that weak chin of yours. According to the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, getting a strong, pronounced chin is going to prevent you from hitting Della Femina for about a week, resigning you to liquid meals (maybe you won't need that lipo after all). "After approximately six weeks, most swelling will be gone and you can enjoy the results of your procedure. Rigorous activities may be prohibited for the first few weeks after surgery." Cross dating a supermodel off your list of things to do this summer.

Look, I know this sounds a bit condescending and it may seem like I am making light of plastic surgery, but I'm not. I understand and believe that if it is going to make a person happy, by all means, have it done. My argument is simply that spending the entire summer recuperating away from the sun, off the beaches and out of the swimming pool, plus having black-and-blue eyes and prolonged soreness, seems like an awful way to spend your time in the Hamptons. If you're hell-bent on getting a makeover, start it in October. This way, you'll have plenty of time to recuperate over the boring, cold, dark winter and then you can show off your new killer body at next year's polo tournaments.