Dan's Papers - June 13, 2008 - The Hampton Subway Newsletter

Delays: There will be a 20-minute delay on the Southampton platform as Governor David Paterson gives a wreath of accomplishment to our esteemed subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall for an entire month of delay-free subway service.

British Actor Eddie Izzard was seen juggling oranges down on the platform in Sag Harbor. He didn't appear to be going anywhere. In Amagansett, J. K. Rowling was seen toting a copy of In the Hamptons by Dan Rattiner. She said she got it at the Amagansett BookHampton store. Former Governor Mario Cuomo was seen on the Southampton platform with his son, Andrew Cuomo. They were talking basketball.

The transfer of the 1.2 billion subway tokens that had been stored under the Hampton Bays headquarters of Hampton Subway were officially turned over to the President of the new African nation of Basinoba, Juan Carlos Sinatra Alexander, by Commissioner Bill Aspinall on Friday. The exchange occurred as the last of the fishing boats carrying the final bags of these tokens out to the official freighter anchored just offshore of Sag Harbor, with the red blue and yellow flags of that country flying off the stern.

This was the last of the four, quarter-mile long freighters, and this was the final load of subway tokens taken from Hampton Bays. President Alexander, surrounded by his Finnish guards as always, presented the certified check to Commissioner Aspinall. 1.2 billion tokens for $1.2 billion.

"We are pleased to now have these tokens for our official currency," said the President. "In our country's language, we spell Basinoba with an "H" at the front. It's Hbasinoba. So this is perfect."

The Commissioner, beaming proudly, shook the President's hand vigorously as he took the check. And he said, "Thank you very much." And he said, "Godspeed."

It was a short trip. After lots of waving and smiling from the fishing boat as it went out to the freighter, and after the Sag Harbor High School marching band played its final John Philip Sousa number, the President and his guards boarded the freighter. The freighter started its engines, and, carrying nearly 200,000 tons of cargo, moved slowly forward - and then, in minutes, sank.

After that, chaos reigned. Fire boats and Coast Guard boats went out to the spot and rescued the crew of the ship, including the President, all of whom had the presence of mind to run for the lifeboats as soon as they heard the ship shift.

"It made a metallic jingling noise as it shifted," said the first mate, who was also rescued. "Then it just turned on its side, and sank stern first. It went down real fast."

The only casualty in the sinking was the President's pet monkey. And for a while, it was thought that one of the Finns was not accounted for. But it turned out he had been in the bathroom when everything happened. He soon floated up, just fine.

As the Coast Guard and fire boats were heading back to shore with everybody, Commissioner Aspinall ran to the Bank of America on Main Street and immediately cashed the check. Then he went off to Hampton Bays in his limousine.

First of all, the President is fine. He is resting comfortably and is talking about returning immediately to his homeland by plane, so he can greet the three freighter loads of tokens when they arrive. He also talks about having me refund the money, or at least one-quarter of the money, which I will not do. The tokens were sold fair and square. He's got 900 million tokens on the way. And he's got 300 million tokens we delivered to his freighter. Too bad it sank.

I will, however, as a gesture of good will, offer up whatever remaining tokens we can scare up. We want each and every one of you to find whatever subway tokens you can around the house, in your shirt pockets, in your purses, ladies, wherever, and bring them to the Hampton Bays office before Friday. We will add those to the 150,000 tokens squirreled away in a Bob's Storage Bin in Westhampton Beach, which we had intended to use until the new subway cards are delivered, which will be in two weeks. And we will ship these by plane, accompanying the President back to his native land. Now, here's the best part. Until the new cards arrive, the subway is free.