Dan's Papers - June 13, 2008

Many local people have expressed shock at the huge billboard that now stands on County Road 39 and shows the side view of a Southampton Town Police Car, with a police officer leaping up from the other side of the front and pointing a gun at those who drive by.

"Slow Down, or You Will Be Shot," the sign says. "35 Miles Per Hour Speed Limit Vigorously Enforced."

That's not what it says? Well, I drove by it three hours ago and just got a brief glance at it, so that's what I thought it said.

Oh, it's a RADAR gun he's firing? Oh, okay. Sorry about that, everybody.

The shock expressed at the sudden appearance of this very menacing sign comes not only from passing motorists and local citizens, but also from Southampton Town itself. The sign was, apparently, put up on May 24 by busy workmen from somewhere, and our Town Supervisor, Linda Cabot, upon hearing the news, immediately called her highway department, which said they knew nothing about it, and then made further phone calls, until finally she learned that this sign was put up by Suffolk County, intended as a surprise gift to Southampton. Alongside it, each of the five lanes is either 11 or 12-feet wide, which is above the legal limit for traffic lanes, but which are usually put in only on back roads, where the speed limit is indeed 35 miles an hour.

The county does own the property on which the road is built, so it is a county road, but by pre-agreement, Southampton chooses the speed limit and enforces the law there. When this new road opened in late April, the speed limit was 45. But then the town lowered it, because it seemed too fast given the narrowness of the lanes. But nobody expected this very large and very threatening billboard to be put up.

Many people I have talked to think that it might be a good thing to have Manny Quinn of the East Hampton Police Department come up to this spot on County Road 39. He is in retirement now, but he served that town admirably for more than 15 years back in the 1980s and 1990s. He'd sit in his police car on the side of the road through rain or shine, sometimes for shifts of 24 straight hours. He never complained. He always had a welcome smile on his face. And he always treated everybody with the same, silent respect.

We need something like that in front of the nasty billboard.

And I must say that if Manny Quinn always treated everybody very respectfully, the passing motorists returned in kind to him. But not all of them. Once, somebody broke into his police car - he always sat there with the windows up and the doors locked - and carted him away and held him for ransom. The ransom was never paid. Two weeks later, Manny Quinn was found at the town dump, a bit the worse for wear, but still smiling.

Another time, somebody jimmied the locks of the police car, broke in, and took Manny's hat and peeled off his fake moustache.

Another time he was simply stolen, no questions asked, and no ransom note afterwards. Years passed after that. No Manny. People mourned. And then one of Manny's arms turned up. Then a leg. It was awful. But we lived through it and so did Manny, who was put back together by a very expert doctor. At that time, he said he thought he'd been through enough, and asked the department if he could be retired. The town obliged, retiring him and heaping honors on him. Many people miss Manny.

I still remember him. He had started out in life as a mannequin at one of the fancy Main Street stores. Donated to the police department, he was then dressed in his lieutenant's uniform and placed on the front seat of an East Hampton Town police car, facing the oncoming traffic. He'd be on different streets on different days, usually placed just around a bend. You'd round the bend and suddenly see Manny at the wheel with his sunglasses and cap and uniform and you'd slow down before you realized he was just a fake.

I have a number of ideas about how Manny could be placed in front of that big sign. He could be stood up on the roof of the car, his arms outstretched in welcome. "Welcome to the Hamptons," he'd say. Of course, that wonderful smile, the same smile that helped sell the clothes in a clothing store window, would be flashed to passersby. It is a very winning smile, indeed.

Another idea is that he be stood up by the front fender of his police car - a REAL police car, not a billboard police car - and have his arm positioned upwards so it would appear he was waving hello.

Or he could be placed right up against the front of the billboard, right over the big beefy cop jumping up from behind the front fender. But that wouldn't actually work. He's not tall enough to cover the beefy cop. The beefy cop is supersize. A giant.

Nevertheless, he'd be saying "Welcome to the Hamptons, everybody. Don't pay any attention to this guy on the billboard. He's just playing the role. He reports to me, Lt. Manny Quinn. I say when he gives out tickets and doesn't give out tickets. So, yes, for your own good, the speed limit is now 35 miles an hour. And if you go over, and haven't got a good explanation for it, I'll see you get a ticket anyway. We do mean business. And I'm up here 24 hours a day, seven days a week, just like that other guy.