Dan's Papers - June 15, 2007 - Twentysomething... Stay at home dad

The other day, Pentagon John called me up on the telephone to ask me for my opinion on marriage.

"Dave, it's John. Listen man, do you know a lot of people that are getting married this year?"

"Dude, you know not to say that word in front of me."

"No man. Most people I know are far off from that, I think."

"Dude, you're not going to believe this, but almost all of my friends that I went to college with are getting engaged this year. Is it me, or is that nuts?"

And so the conversation continued. And yes, it is nuts.

The two of us came to the conclusion that because John went to school in Virginia, he knows more people getting married. It's a cultural thing, divorce is not something that they've seen all that much. New Yorkers are a little different because, well, we are all f$@$ing terrified of getting a divorce. Insert lawyer joke here.

I've got to be completely honest with you. I totally believe in love and feel that there are a lot of people out there that are completely in love. I also really like the idea of getting married. The ceremony and the bachelor party sound like a hell of a good time. It's just the divorce part I'm not so crazy about.

I get into arguments with people about this all the time. As a child of divorce, I'm aware of how much it sucks, so I'm a little jaded on this issue. People are always saying to me, "You shouldn't get married if you think that you are going to get a divorce."

Oh, really? Gee, thanks a lot for that good piece of advice. I didn't know that already. Gosh, I feel so much better, you nitwit.

Look, the truth is that I don't ever want to get married because I don't want to spend my whole life saving and building assets and then watch half of it get taken away because my wife just "wasn't in love with me anymore" and runs off with somebody else. I believe that I can make the commitment, but trusting somebody else and betting everything on her also? That's pulling it off.

The truth is, it is incredibly hard for a man to ignore the financial ramifications if he screws it up, or even worse, if she screws it up. This is how 90 percent of men in New York feel these days, unless they are going to marry a lady that has ten times more money then them. When that happens, they are all about getting married and are SO IN LOVE that they aren't worried about getting a divorce. Gee, I wonder why? Give me a break. You take the financial fear of getting married off of men, and there would be a marriage every day. And don't give me that pre-nup crap; it's all a myth.

Which brings me back to the Pentagon John conversation, "I'd be down for being a stay at home Dad," I said. We both started laughing hysterically.

The best part about being a stay at home Dad has got to be the part where you are not actually a Dad yet, but you are married. I'd be sitting in MY pool with ridiculous sunglasses on my face, drinking a margarita, checking MY Blackberry at MY oceanfront estate calling MY masseuse. I'd spend all day "working" on a "novel."

Then my wife would call.

"Hi honey, how is work? Everything is good over here. The house is fine. No, I'm not drinking, I'm working, I just finished up another chapter today. Hey listen I was thinking about doing something special for us, how do you feel about getting a Ferrari? They remind me of you. Great, I'll get it in your favorite color."

Then I would call all of my friends and complain about how my wife and I are having trouble because she works too much and I'm beginning to feel neglected.